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Originally Posted by expressiveone
So yesterday I was writing in my journal about how I hate myself and everyone would be better off if I was dead. I was obsessing over how I want my husband to leave me because he can find someone better than me and I was convinced that I don't deserve love and I deserve to be tortured and punished for the horrible person that I am. I wrote about how I missed the old me and I don't know how to find her. After writing in my journal I preceded to go into my room and tell my husband that I want him to hate me and not forgive me for the things I have done to him and how he deserves someone better. After fighting his love for about an hour, literally convinced that I was evil, somehow I snapped out of it and had a good day for the rest of the day. Has anyone experienced something like this? Have you been so convinced of being this horrible, evil, unworthy person of any forgiveness and hating oneself that you truly believe this. I was convinced and never had such strong conviction. I just don't understand what to make of it or what to tell my pdoc tomorrow at my appt. Right now I know I was delusional yesterday...but it felt so real. I truly believed it to be truth and had accepted my fate of going to hell and such...Is this depression or something more extreme that is going on? I just don't understand. I am feeling like I am losing myself.
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I relate to this so much! I have felt exactly that way, and not just in my adult life but as a child.
When I was a little girl (like 9, 10, 11 years old,) I firmly believed that I was evil and I was the reason my mom got cancer and was dying. I believed it was all my fault and if I hadn't been born she would have been safe.
And after she died I was so sure I had killed her somehow.
I have gone through many phases where I think I'm so evil or worthless I punish myself. There have been times when I just don't eat, because only "good people" get to eat, even if I'm so hungry I'm in tears.
Or times when I have SI problems. I'm not a cutter but I am a hitter and I have left many bruises and lumps, scratches, pinching, etc.
I often feel like I"m a burden, or annoying, and don't deserve love or happiness because I'm just a horrible person. And for a long, long time as a teenager I believed I was cursed and that anyone in contact with me would also be cursed to have bad things happen.
And I can say yes, these are probably really bad delusions, because they do go away and I think "wow, that was terrible." And this is a big thing of what bipolar means to me. Because I have felt like this so many times in life but then, I also have many times in life where I thought I was the most important person on the planet. That I'm not only the best at things but a super genius who deservs great rewards and recognitions. That people are fools to stand in my way. You know, that whole over inflated self-esteem. I've also had the delusions of being all powerful in a magical way.