Part of the jealousy issue is feeling inferior, or maybe it's a totally different issue. Yesterday I noticed that T was wearing makeup again. She doesn't always, but when she does, it bothers me. The following is going to sound so stupid!!!

It bothers me because I never learned how to put lipstick on right so I usually don't try any more. Friends have tried to help me, but I feel like it's not right so I blot it off. Tried lip liners, pencils, etc. I have allergies so I hate eye makeup too. I sort of decided not to wear anything except foundation and powder, and sometimes eyebrow pencil.

When I see my T with makeup, I immediately feel inferior to her and feel ashamed of myself for being so incompetent. Yesterday I felt brave enough to comment on that fact. I actually wrote it in an email recently but like I've said before, she doesn't bring up anything in my emails. I have to do it. She said I could learn, blah, blah, blah. She also said I look wonderful without makeup. I didn't even say thank you because I don't believe her yet I know she never lies to me.

I know this sounds weird, but I felt more shame about the makeup issue than about the talk about her H and breaking down the doors!! Or at least equal. I emailed her how I felt, and added my whole list about never fitting in with people, from childhood on. Like the lipstick represents all the other things I didn't do that my peers were doing: didn't know the current music, didn't wear the right clothes, didn't date in HS, was overqualified for every job I had, didn't have a nice house, and on and on. I flunked fitting in!!!!

I suppose I have to talk more about this in therapy, though of course it's come up. Can anyone relate to shame about feeling/being incompetent and inferior to your peers when growing up?

I feel ashamed of posting this but I'm in an "I don't care" mood due to my session anyway. (Me trying to appear cool but failing)