I don't think I've ever really fit in.

In high school, I never knew anything about popular music or clothes, and honestly, really just didn't care. I didn't date, either. I had a very small circle of friends, and I was, honestly, a nerd.

I've always been overqualified for jobs, but I don't have enough confidence in myself to pursue the jobs that would challenge me.

Sometimes, as a kid, it bothered me that I didn't fit it. I think I was more afraid of being ridiculed, than really caring about the latest trends, though. Unfortunately, that fear of ridicule is what lead to ED, SI, anxiety, and...well...all the other crap I'm trying to finally deal with.

When I was in college, it bothered me more that I didn't fit in very well, and I did try to make some small changes. I dated, I learned how to put on makeup, be stylish, etc. But, it really wasn't me. It was an act so that I could fit in.

Now, I don't mind so much that I'm a little quirky and don't really fit in with a lot of people. I have close friends that I do relate to, and they accept my quirkiness. I still get jealous sometimes, of people that just seem to "get it" and fit in and everything.

As for how I feel about that jealousy or feeling inferior or incompetent, I don't feel shame about those feelings, I feel shame about how I dealt with those feelings. Mostly, I feel anger that no one noticed when I was a kid how much I was struggling and how much it affected me. I feel anger and sadness that I had to figure all this crap out on my own, because no one noticed, no one cared enough to help me.