...pretty sure I'm there. The thing is, I don't think it bothers me. It should, but it doesn't. The only thing that bothers me is that it should bother me but doesn't, if that makes any sense. I don't want to stop. Things were even worse before. I know this is not a good thing, but I don't care. I don't feel any of it. I don't want to feel any of it. It seems like this is me. Pretending not to be self-destructive feels fake and just makes everything worse.

I can't avoid it, even for one day. Even if I feel fine, I can't avoid it. If I do, I start to feel horrible again. It's like I'm keeping myself numb. I don't even think about it...I don't think about wanting to, I don't have any thoughts that maybe I should try to avoid it....nothing.
I haven't hurt myself so far today. I could try not to. I just have to get myself to try, and I don't know if I can. It rarely even crosses my mind to try.

***Triggering***
On a bit of a side note...I'm starting to feel like I should hurt myself worse. (I don't mean suicide, I mean SI worse.) I get frustrated and even angry when I feel like it wasn't bad enough. That part worries me a little. I always thought that I could keep it from getting too bad...but I also thought that I would never start again, so I really can't trust myself anymore.

Anyway, I'm not sure why I made this thread. I guess I just had to say that.