I spent half an hour trying to find the words to explain what happened with my dad tonight at 2am to a friend once I'd finally got back to my mum's safe yet distraught at 3am or so. So I'm going to copy and paste what I put to him.

At my dad's. Was on the phone to a mate in the hallway tonight, and he came in and started shouting. Actually SHOUTING **** like "If you wanna kill yourself ****ing do it. Go and do it, but not in my ****ing house." "Oh we'll have a ****ing good christmas without you". "You're not a son anymore. It's those weirdo friends you hang around with, the McDonalds ****ing crew". "You rip chunks out of your arm, you're not even human anymore. You disgust me". Then he was like "I'll ****ing belt the **** out of you." He dragged me to the sofa and told me to go sleep and then he said he was going to sleep in there and keep an eye on me, but he was shouting. Then I met his eyes for like, 2 seconds, and he said "DONT ****ING LOOK AT ME. I'LL BLACKEN YOUR EYE". So yeah I kinda ran away from his because he's pumped on steroids and he's been in prison in the past for GBH so I legged it, then was out in the freezing cold at 2am in corby. Then called mum 10 times before she answered and had to get a taxi home.

Maverick (past sexual partner and now a very close friend) is a hero. He probably saved my life tonight. If he wasn't there on the phone afterwards comforting me and giving me advice on how to get home or somewhere safe, I wouldn't be alive right now, I don't think I would. I didn't tell him at the time I was on the phone with him because I didn't want to worry him even more. But I was standing at the edge of the dual carriagway...assessing the speed of all the passing vehicles. And literally my first thought when I saw how icy it was was "I bet it would be so difficult for a car to stop on these roads". At one point, after I'd hung up on Maverick to have a cry, I was standing by the side of the motorway, reading to jump. And then he called back, and he just made it so clear that he cares, the first person to ever do that, and I stepped back and went back on the sidewalk.


I wrote this message to myself:

"Sorry dad...but if you're going to threaten me with violence, and then call my FRIENDS - the people that have brought me back from a very scary place, "weirdo's" and say they're no good for me...you can get ****ED. Yeah you've been here for me a lot recently. But where were you during my childhood? You were at work. Nearly EVERY ****ING DAY. I went through the majority of my childhood seeing you twice a week, and most of those times all I could hear at night; other than my own crying; was you shouting at and bossing around my mum.

You're really not a nice person, dad. :'("