Coming late to this thread (and picking up on Michael's original question):
Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael the Great
So... What is manipulation? How do we determine when manipulation is socially acceptable and when it crosses the moral event horizon into psychopath or politician territory?
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There'll probably never be just one answer as to when it's acceptable and when it's not. Even when it's a politician who's doing the manipulating, we're more likely to hold it against them if they're from what we consider the wrong end of the political spectrum.
I think what makes certain actions manipulative is not so much what the person says and does, as where they're coming from. If I tell you what's going on with me and what you need to know in order to make an informed choice, I'd call that being straight with you. If I act like the kind of person you'd trust more than you'd trust me, and I tell you just enough to lead you to make the choice I'm hoping you'll make, I'd call that manipulation.
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Here's a really basic example. People in my area used to have gas heaters with pilot flames in them, and they'd turn off the pilot during the summer to save gas. When the weather got cooler again, some would know how to relight their own pilot while others would call the gas company to do it for them. The gas company only had so many technicians and was usually a few days or even a few weeks behind. Word got around: "Tell them you smell gas. They come a lot sooner that way."
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I posted something about manipulation a couple of years ago. We'd been discussing why some people found the idea of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy, developed by Marsha Linehan) scary. This is taken from the middle of a much longer reply:
Quote:
Originally Posted by FooZe
Don't make bargains
For the things
I will give you anyhow...
-- Bob Lind, of Elusive Butterfly fame. Several years ago I had a brief and stormy relationship with a gf who, in retrospect, was showing some BPD traits. One thing I noticed about her after a while was that she didn't seem to like to ask me for anything she might want from me, such as not to talk to her about something just then. Instead, it seemed to me that she was constantly looking for ways to make me do what she wanted: she'd snap at me or derail a conversation if it started to go in a direction she wasn't comfortable with, or not show up for a date when we had a lot of loose ends in need of talking about. I'd try to coach her: "If you don't want to talk about something, the magic words are, 'I'm not willing.' Just say that, and I'll respect it. When you say, 'Cut that out!' or 'Quit analyzing!!' I haven't a clue what you mean."
People with BPD seem to have acquired, quite likely unfairly, a reputation for being "manipulative." I can see how someone might easily come across that way if (a.) they don't expect to get what they ask for; (b.) they do expect to feel frustrated and to get triggered by it -- reminded of lots of other times they asked for something and were denied or squashed; so (c.) they've learned ways, often maladaptive, to get around ever having to ask. I can see where in DBT, part of the lesson plan might be to get the client to (a.) ask instead of gaming, and in the process, (b.) to confront whatever stuff the act of asking may trigger for her.
I can also see where, if someone weren't ready to let Linehan walk them through the Valley of the Shadow this way, they could experience fear and/or anger just thinking about it. |
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When I was little, my parents kept warning me that I mustn't be superstitious. Some silly people believed in ghosts, devils, witches, and such -- but we knew better, didn't we?
When I was about four I happened to be visiting with some relatives. At one point my cousin, a few years older, threatened that if I didn't do something or other he was going to get the ghosts after me. My grandmother overheard him and warned him to knock it off.
A few months later, we happened (long story) to be living in a building that had once been an inn. The bathroom was way down the hall and around a corner, the lights didn't always work, and the toilets would automatically flush themselves from time to time. My parents were trying to teach me to walk there by myself but it was just the kind of place I found scary, I hated it, and I wanted someone with me. "What's there to be afraid of?" they demanded. I knew that if I admitted I didn't know, they'd tell me I was silly and keep trying to make me go by myself. I told them, "Ghosts and devils."
"Ghosts and devils?! Who on earth told you about ghosts and devils?"
"My cousin."
By that time their attention was fully on their outrage at my cousin for telling me tales, and I was off the hook. A few weeks later we moved to a nicer place with a much more convenient bathroom.
