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Bless your heart. I'm so sorry things are so rough right now.
I think it's time for some therapy. Is there any way you can see a good psychologist? Talking to a professional would be helpful -- they can help us cope with difficult situations.
If you can't afford it, check with your County's Mental Health Service, and see if they offer counseling based on ability to pay -- or even free! Some counties do have these services so check into it.
I wish you the best ~ please take care of yourself. God bless. Hugs, Lee
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