Is anyone else here worried that they will have a Christmas meltdown of some kind? I've never been this honest with myself and now I am doing it on this forum but here goes. I thought I had a forever marriage going on 25 years and then Dec. 2009 I found out my husband didn't love me and wanted a divorce. We started papers on Christmas Eve, devastating a family of a 12 year old girl and 23 year old son. It was done in March 2010 and he left the state but left us financially secure at least. I dated quickly because my self-esteem was so low I thought nobody could love me. I did find a great guy May 2010 who had been similarly left. August 2010 my mom dies unexpectedly. We were very, very close. My dad had already passed away 2002 and I have a sister who is bipolar and we don't do well together so no support there. Last Christmas I was determined to make the best of things and was financially able to give my kids gifts they wanted and I put gas logs in my fireplace making it as cozy and happy a Christmas as I could. My strength seemed to pop in when I needed it. I stayed with the guy I had been dating since May. We dated 18 months and got married Sept. 2011. I went off my depression meds this summer as I thought I was in a great place. The decision to marry and a little private getaway to do so was wonderful.

I love my new husband and he loves me. It was difficult on my daughter because we moved into his house and had to remodel it as it was old and a little depressing but that is done and she still goes to the same school. He has a 17 year old son but he doesn't interact with any of us really. I miss my other house very much though, all the stuff I stored or gave away, and didn't expect giving up the "stuff" would hurt now. I thought getting married to a man I love would solve all my sadness and loneliness for some reason. It didn't and now what do I do? He has a wonderful mother and kids too. We will have a big Christmas with 5 teen and adult kids to buy for plus one's wife and 2 grand daughters. Everybody talks about what a wonderful Christmas we will have! I know I am blessed with all these great people and my own two children but I still want my old Christmases back in my old house with my mom and just my 2 kids. I don't love or care about my ex anymore, I just miss the past and am afraid I won't adjust or be fully happy ever again.

I thought I was ready and it was the best thing to get married and have the security of a husband and step-father for my daughter, and a real family for her instead of just the two of us at home. It's just that we wanted to be together and my unhappiness before was only when I missed him and couldn't see him all the time. Now, I have those same feelings because....I miss....what? I just really want to not be sad for the past, and to know in my heart I did the right thing and it will be ok. I want to care about the future and be eager to live every day. Somehow I'm damaged from the loss of my old life and my parents and I don't know how to fix it.