Oh Jeez Darkheart,
I often felt extreme guilt as a child and I distinctly remembering telling my dad that I hated myself because I was "happy" that my grandpa was dead and I was "happy" about that. Of course that wasn't true(I was 9), and couldn't even remember him(He died when I was 3). But something inside me told myself that I "thought" this(among many others) and believed things that aren't actually true. It is very scary and as if it is not really me( in hindsight, of course)..

I had recurring nightmares and thought someone was going to kill me as a child and anything and everything bad that could happen to someone would happen to me. I continue to have nightmares that either someone is chasing me to try to kill me, or that someone is pointing out how "bad" I am.

I do feel like a burden, like I have nothing to offer and I truly don't believe I am worth that much...even though people tell me that is not true and that I am a "delight" to be around. I wonder to myself..."Why do they think that?" I tell myself, "They just say nice things to me because they think they have to...they don't really believe that."

I think I am ugly, a burden, selfish, self-absorbed, all around F***ed up, and I avoid my friends now. The truth is I have nothing good to say. I can't even bring myself to make "small talk" because I am so lost and constantly obsessing in my head about things.

At this point I am beyond tired and restless. I feel like I am merely existing and there is not much to it other than that, and I think to myself, "what is the f***ing point?" "Am I going to have to go through till the end of my days this way?"

I was always able to ignore this and push away these negative thoughts up until the past couple of years. It has progressively gotten worse and worse, except for the few times that I have felt " on top of the world". During those times I think I can do anything I want, there are no consequences...I question if I am psychic from time to time...I mean I honestly think I am psychic. WTH??! During these times, I grossly exaggerate anything and everything about myself. It can be quite embarrassing at times.

Over the past week I have thought about cutting myself with a knife and the obsession can last anywhere from a few minutes to an hour. I try to wish it away, but the urge just gets stronger and stronger...instead of actually hurting myself, I stare at the wall, as I have done throughout my whole life and everything goes through my mind like a blur.
Each day feels like a blur. Anything I can remember about my past is negative and I am unable to see the future.

It's as though I can live with myself in this world one minute, and then in an instant, it is the opposite. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but, to me, it is not really reachable. Just hopeless.

I cried a lot yesterday, but for the most part I just feel empty and hollow. I have such little will that most of the time I don't even come to tears or feel anything at all. I avoid my husband, avoid meaningful conversations, avoid intimacy, all because of guilt. All I feel is guilt.