For like the past few months after having feelings of retroactive jealousy after wife made comment that she may have shagged a bloke that she said she was with before she met me but originally said they never had sex(she mentioned this 8 years ago although had oral sex), then after me feeling very jealous she said she never slept with that person. So it got me feeling very strange and dark emotions and sometimes happy and content emotions that occur every now and then.
She said things about the person that sounded like that maybe they did have a sexual fling when she originally told me 8 years ago. Then we got engaged and she brought it up again and said nothing happened between them. Now being married and with kids it came up again in a stupid fashion and she mention it again which I have described up above. It hit me like a ton of bricks because on the day I was about to propose it was mentioned that nothing happened and then 8 years later it sounded like she was lying perhaps or distorting the truth. Now I know on the internet it says Im having retro active jealousy and its not her fault but its more to do with the event of it being that I was going to propose to her anyway and say I want to spend the rest of my life with her and she decided to bring it up in that fashion where I though cool, nothing happened even better.
Now goin through the few days recently when it came up and she said she may have shagged him, I mentioned about the time of our engagement and why she said what she said about nothing happening and she replied because she was pissed and then said I'm so jealous. then 2 days later said she never. During this 2days however I was feeling very very jealous and weird so wondering whether she said she never did to make me feel better or thats the truth but its hard when you get mixed messages(or maybe I'm looking to deep into it and obssessing too much) but its like a trigger because when she originall mention 8 years ago she had oral sex with him but I asked if she kissed him she said no(looking back she probably thought I said did she sleep with him) and I got jealous thinking how can you give oral sex without kissing that person.
So what she said recently has been like a trigger thats sent me back to how I was feeling when we first started going up and the feelings of jealousy aswell as the feeling of being potentially lied to, element of trust took a battering briefly(and I sometimes question a few things). And ever since I have mention to conrtol my jealous feelings and not let them bother me too much but I have been thinking about other people she did have sex with that never bothered me before that are slowly starting to now and again. She has had a fair few partners before meeting me but not that much whereas I have only slept with one other person before I met her so she has a bigger tally and it slightly threatens me as I have had hardly much experience with women even though I had some missed opportuinites and I was involuntary celebate for nearly two years before I met my wife, although she is the best thing that happened to me meeting her. She even had a one night stand a few weeks before she met me and that slowly dwelled on my mind but in a way where I feel envy rather than jealous as I have feel like I missed out on being with some more women and feel demasculinzed and I have no intention of cheating on her although when I felt low I felt that if I did would I of felt better for it). I always felt something was wrong with me not being able to get with women until I natuarlly did meeting my wife.
And then I feel like I'm treating her unfairly as if anything related plays on my mind I will make sly digs like saying hope she practised safe sex and didnt bring a std into our relationship, she never said she never caught anything.
We still have a good sex life and wonderful family and I love her to bits but I just want to start the new year feeling more positive and not like I have felt during the last few months. It feels like I feel into a dark abyss internally and have been fighting to climb and come out, never thought I could ever feel like that. I have tried to remain upbeat and positive, feel like a man that my wife needs.
Anyhelp welcome
Feel better just typing that