I have my own issues...I have bipolar disorder with borderline traits. Over a year ago I joined a mental health support forum to gain some insight into my problems and offer support to others when I could. One of the regular posters sent me a private message and we started chatting (he's a he and I'm a she). Fast forward a year and we've been talking every day and this person is pretty much my best friend. We had our ups and downs, but overall it was safe because we live 1,200 miles apart. He has been diagnosed BPD, but I didn't find him to be that difficult to deal with. He talks about suicide a lot and needs constant stroking/reassurance, but I'm very tolerant. I accepted that our relationship was pretty one-sided because I enjoy talking to him and I feel he understands the way I think. I know I should have known that the relationship had red flags all over it, but I didnt' care.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago and we met in person for the first time after 13 months of talking every day. We had a great time and it felt like a date even though I swore I wouldn't let it go there. We had sex that night and the next day and then he cooled off and things got weird. His ten day trip ended with him saying something very hurtful and me unraveling and threatening to overdose on pills. Yes, I became the borderline. We got through that, but here's the dramatic twist - I had a miscarriage two days ago. I was stupid and told him via text message, but his response was all about him with no concern for me at all. I realized that this is always how he always responds to me when I have an issue of any kind.

I'm being forced to confront my own BPD traits while confronting his inability to have empathy. I feel completely obsessed with him and my mood depends entirely on whether I've heard from him or whether he's upset with me or not. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, but I just think it's crazy that I was seeking support in a forum and ended up being worse off than I was before. I know I should have known it would turn out this way, but I feel completely chewed up and spit out. He was so affectionate and sweet those first few days and he really roped me in and then discarded me. He says he wants to remain friends, but I'm not sure it's healthy for us to stay in touch. I don't want to abandon him because he thinks everyone hates him (he pushes everyone away and then complains that he has nobody). I'm realizing that the only way to have a relationship with him (friendship or otherwise) is to subjugate my feelings and make it all about him all the time. I take the blame for everything and apologize constantly. I've had my grievances and my drama moments, but in the end I'm always apologizing. I have a history with cluster B types, but I thought it would be different with him because he knows he has a problem. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but I'm so mad at myself for falling into this trap again. I feel really desperate and alone... I've put so much energy into this person that I've neglected the other people in my life that could be supporting me right now.

Where I'm at with this person (let's call him D) is confusing. We have intermittent strained contact and he has been very distant. Right now he's very mad because I told him about the miscarriage via text and he won't respond to me. I plan to try to call him later, but I'm tired of putting myself out there and getting stomped. I feel like he'll never get over the things that I've done to upset him and I can never apologize enough to satisfy him. It's soooo unlike me to swallow my true feelings and take all the blame, but I feel like I have to do it.

One example is the cause of the meltdown on his last day in town. We were walking to the train on our way to a football game. He had spent the previous night with another friend and he commented on how many hot young girls were at the bar they went to. I calmly told him I didn't want to hear about that and when he showed no awareness, I got progressively more and more upset. By the time we got to the game, I was fuming and he could feel it. He insisted that we leave at halftime because I had ruined the game for him. He was furious with me. A few days later he asked me to pay him back for the cost of the tickets to erase the awful memory and make up for ruining his childhood dream of going to a Raiders game (oh the drama). Here's the kicker - I payed him even though I was initially disgusted and offended by the request. I am in a constant state of desperation to stay in his good graces, it's embarrassing.