((((Open Eyes))))

We just feel so alone. Mainly because we are.
And everyone I find in real life, is not the same as me in this area of things. I try, but no one else wants to see anyone but their own family as their family. no matter how close we get. Then there are those that just SAY they feel the same. but... they dont feel the same about me. Talks cheap when the words dispute what actions one has every single time.
In my expeirence so far, people have their groups, and aren't seeking out anyone else, and if you come in trying to get noticed or even just stand around quietly hoping they will take notice it never leads to friends. either its to harm, or just to ignore as they dont want any more friends.

It's so hard being independant when infact it's barely managable and is like a nightmare for me. but I have no one I can relie on. And everyone says "only if I was there I would _____" but when I am near them they don't. and never do. not even once.

That is true...

Yes, been here for almost 5 years. I dont recall why I joined here, nor the first day I signed up. but it was mainly to survive and get advice for our nearly impossible living conditions. The only things I really knew (comfort, advice, life situations, examples, and such) was things that happened and I saw on tv. I learned only what I could see on tv, and in the dictionary. Same is for word meanings and talking pretty much. As for up until my very early 20's (i'm only 24 now) I constantly asked what words meant that were being said or asked to me because I didn't undstand them. I haven't really had to ask what something means for a good while now that I think about it. lol...
But in the hospital I learned more than I had in my life.. She taught me so much, and still does lol! But she taught me how to give comfort to someone, and advice, and what's right and whats wrong, and what's just not clearly set in either way...
And since then I have been able to be more than just a leech in this community.

Not doing much in my life. as it really not all that great currently. I have both physical and mental disabilities. Some are managable, others make it impossible to work and keep to someone elses schedule for us. As each moment, and day I dont know what will happened. Usually my mental health is pretty stable as long as i have the right dose of ADHD med. if not, then ... well I get placed on symptomatic drugs like anti depressants, anti anxiety, sedatives, and quite a few others on top of the not right dose of adhd med. which is where I'm at right now. but started up an antidepressant on my own as i had an old prescription from over a year ago, and it was either that, or go insane from lack of sleep along with do something stupid that would shatter the promise we made many years ago to someone...
nor do I want to goto a hospital for mental health ever again. I have pets and no one to take care of them. in fact they would be in harms way if i were to leave them here. ... just like us.
and going into a hospital even for physical health any more would cause more damage than good. as it would only put us back at square one, and make our outlook go right back into being institutionalized as that was pretty much the only part of my life that i can remember much of easily. It was only there in hosptials that we were able to have a life. ...
I want family! I want someone i can talk to! I want someone I can spend time with! I want ... to be loved unconditionally!!! .... I want to have a in person support! I want ... someone to be there for me to reliey on if I must if something were to go wrong, and I could trust, i don't want to be dependant on people and bossed around, but I am not able to cope completely independantly... somewhere in between is where we lay. and it's closer to the independant area... That part comes with part of the turf I suppose with having William's syndrome. as its mentioned in a much more educated way in much descriptions on it. ...
we had never been hospitalized for a physical condition until the very end of july 2010, then since then I have been stuck getting admitted over 8 times. and once in the icu/cdu. But we haven't been in a hospital s- yes we have... I have only been admited once since we got our puppy in October 2010, and that was only because there was no way to help it.. at all.. we didn't even have a say in going because I was out of it, had went into sepsis shock when the hospice had just tested me for a uti a day prior and said i was fine and my test was perfect and normal. Then the next day we end up in the ER with our roomate who was/is a cancer patient and was headed there and trying to wake me up to tell me, but we wouldn't wake. So he decided it was time we both went to the ER. And the hospital admited me for antibiotics through iv, Vancomicin or something like that, then we started having lip, tounge, and throat swelling and all the classic allergic reation problems through the PICC line we had, and they stoped it and gave me lots of benedryl and then went on roseacin or something like that for good while. And the sepsis shock was caused by sepsis which was caused by a kidney infection which was caused by a bladder infection which is a UTI, and the doc said i had to have it for more than just a day, i had to have it for months if not years for that to get that bad. that was our last physical hospitalization which was the end of Aug 2011. And i just remember there was a weekend in the end of either june or july 2011 that i was hospitalized but that was due to "adult failure to thrive" and malnutristion and also to place the power picc line which doc ordered and was the reason i went in. but got stuck with being admitted due to my bloodwork that came back. and i wasn't doing so good anyways.
Last time I was in a mental hospital was the state hospital and we were discharged March 14, 2009. none since then.

I used to baby sit, and watch kids... I fostered a little girl for 6 months of her 9month life. until her father was able to take both her and her brother on their own. and she died a week later.... drowned in the tub... I never got closure and I have never lost anyone so close and barely even lost a pet, but we turned ourselfs off when we lost the pets... but I was told by the family that i was not part of the family.. and i was not invited to the funeral. nor was i able to goto the grave... I tried making a memorial of pics i took to be my closure but my biological mother took that and ripped it to shreds and throwed in the fireplace ..... so... we're stuck and dont know how to greve. nor do we really want to talk much on it in case the family comes along and reads anything about it. Because I can't take the hurtful things they have to say. as when you take care of a baby from 2 months old, and go through teething and sitting and teaching to sit and stand, and even spend pretty much 24/7 with them except for 2 weekeneds that whole time and you change diapers and pay for it all, you get really attached and someone like me with attachment problems, I got attached way too much, and ended up seeing her and feeling about her and being as attached to her as i would if I had my own child. She was my best friends niece so i thought I would always see her, even tho we would not always be the caregiver... we never expected something like this to happen. nothing like this to happen! I WAS SUPOSE TO SEE HER GROW!! SEE HER GOTO SCHOOL!!! HEAR ABOUT WHEN SHE GETS A BOYFRIEND!!! HELP WITH HOMEWORK!!! VISIT HER FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!! I WAS SUPOSE TO DIE BEFORE HER!!!!!!!!!! ...

and... i used to volunteer at a few animal shelters... i have no transportation now.. nor much hope for any of it right now. that will get better i'm sure. but.. right now i dont feel hopeful.

Thanks. I will save this somewhere to keep it to look at... That really made me feel a bit brighter than the dark that i'm in.

I used to say home is only within my mind, but i dont even feel like that is home any more. once we noticed someone's location had within their own mind as well.
Home is where i can be me without fear of geting in trouble, or anything negative. home is where it isn't a hostile and toxic enviroment. home is where we are content. home is where there are people there for us, just like we are there for them. home ... is a group of caring people who love unconditionally and we dont have to have a fear of them suddenly disapearing because we spoke and said how much they really meant to us, or when we ask for help, or when we dont allways give into what they want and we actually want what we need for one time within years, home is where we don't feel insecure or have fear. or fear of violation, or being invaded or poisoned... home is where even if there are fights, no one gets severly hurt, and everyone is treated equally and are not a burden or treated worse than fleas or other parasites. or told to leave the fleas alone because they need to live too, and they were in the room first before we were.....

there are a lot of people here... quite a few have some simlairites to us. ... some... we lost due to them succeeding in something I never wanted for them or anyone else...
But I dont remember much as my time on here. most of my time was really spent in the games area because they distract and make me feel better... usually... only rarely did we ever come out of our shell from that area and post elsewhere to others. and only recently within the past months have we really been branching out and trying hard to help others.

....*nods* nothing is perfect.. its the imperfections that is beuaty in the eyes of the beholder... but some places are so toxic.... it isn't survivable... and at 24 we are really stuck.. more stuck than we were when we were kids and hoped for cps to help. everytime i reached out for help and gave them another chance, it only let me down and made my situation even so much worse...

my heart is too.... depressed to really see anything other than ... depressed things...right now. but i know what you mean.. right now though my heart isn't settled anywhere...

alone... as in the kind where we could be in a room full of people... and still feel alone...

(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

Im truely sorry im so depressed and depressing right now. my head knows it will get better, even tho we dont know how, and everything else in this body says other wise.. "no good .. at the end of the rainbow".... but the mind knows because it's been so reassured inside the mind that things do get better. i dont feel like it will get better but my thoughts say it will...

Thank you so much... And i'm so sorry for how depressing my reply is... But thanks so much!