Thanks for your kind words, Innerzone and Rosie23! I feel the pressures of inadequacy all the time but it is especially stressful during the holidays for me. I have managed to buy my son the items he really wished for so even though money is scarce and times are tough...he wont be doing without the gifts, my problem more lies in the lack of holiday spirit. It's the things you both talk about here that I can't seem to muster up. The joyous experience, the quality time, the games, the laughter...the part of Christmas that we all remember from our childhoods. That's the part that I am failing at HUGE! I lost my youngest son tragically in a fire 4.5 years ago and I've really been struggling to survive day to day let alone actually live. I know that my mental health is also a huge factor in my failure to succeed at picking myself up and dusting off...moving on...ha...hardly. I do everything I can...but it always seems to fall short. I so wish I could find the strength to have a party...to view the lights with wonder and awe again...but all I feel is sadness...I miss my son! I don't know how to find that part of me that died inside when I lost him...I just exist...and I know it's not fair to my surviving child. He should be experiencing life's joys and here I can't even put up a damned tree anymore. Holidays....blah!