Sitting here feeling so inadequate trying to figure out what is wrong with me. The person I need the most in my life is my mom & I don't have her..never had her. She has 4 girls & she's only a mother to 2...I'm not one of them. My heart is broken & has the biggest hole that can't be filled. I'm starting to wonder if it will ever be filled.

Everyday I'm triggered because I see & hear the things I wish I could experience. Why isn't my mom here for me? Why has she abandoned & rejected me? Even now she has the opportunity to be here for me, but her work other children & grandchildren are more important. Why am I not worthy of her love?

My depression has come mostly because my mom isn't a part of my life. I don't have family that I can depend on. If i don't have anyone else...I'm supposed to have my mom, right? Not having her has taken a toll on me year after year til the point of a suicide attempt at the age of 17. I constantly have thoughts of dying because I don't feel like I deserve to live.

I'm not good enough to have a mom, dad, family, or friends. I don't deserve to live this life. It would be better if I died because then I wouldn't feel this way. I wouldn't be a burden. I wouldn't have to cut & burn. I wouldn't have the thoughts & memories of trauma. I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. Suicide is not an option for me & it sucks that I don't want to live for me. So I will just go on with the depression because I will never be anything other than depressed anyway.