((Rose))

Not to be Ms. Paranoia, but I am concerned that you do have limits that you haven't really accepted yet. And this up & down about your job are just that. Like, you realistically know that you can't handle it --> anger and resentment. Then, you'll achieve in something physical --> thoughts that maybe you can do it after all --> hope and relief (with a nagging worry remaining).

I used to be a CNA, which I loved. It was physical and emotional, it was a passion of mine. I had to fight myself for my last 2 years of the job, because I couldn't do it anymore. I loved the job! I loved the people that I cared for!! But, I also could not keep up with the job mentally. It was extremely difficult for me to admit this, and even tougher to let go of the hope that I could eventually do it again. I just couldn't do it because my brain has limits now. They're lower than other people's, yes. It sucks, yes. But there ARE other things that I CAN do to enjoy work. Like: be a feeding assistant, or a bathing assistant, volunteer to be a friendly visitor, etc. The major change being that I can't do it all for one person or 15 different people anymore. It's too much for me to handle.

I hope that I haven't depressed you. Your words just kind of shouted out words that used to come from my own head, to get me through.