Hockeychick957, you have suffered severe trauma on top of severe trauma. Please get help; you don't have to go through this alone.

Crisis Resources

PsychCentral Help Me
PsychCentral's Suicide and Crisis links page
Online-Only Suicide Help
Doc John's Suicide Resources short list
Metanoia
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK
Samaritans.org - UK & Republic of Ireland
Breathing Space Scotland
Crisis Centres in Canada interactive map
Lifeline Australia 13 11 14
New Zealand Helplines
Befrienders Worldwide - World-Wide Suicide & Crisis Hotlines
Suicide Prevention, Awareness, and Support
Kristin Brooks Hopeline – Get Help Now
Suicide Forum
Common Hotline Phone Numbers – by PsychCentral Staff; primarily US
Lynn P.’s Concise List of Crisis Advice