MissMousey. It's probably worth noting that I lost the "holiday spirit" for many years, growing to the point that I truly hated the holidays. (Even with loss not being a contributing factor. I'm so sorry for yours, and truly can't imagine. While I'm not so sure about mediums as Irreplaceable, I DO believe people are still with us, and have had some experiences that shored that belief up.) Many of those years, I can't even recall depression, at least of the magnitude where it really sticks out. It predominated in the years when my son was a kid into mid-teens, so I get the guilt thing. I know it seems an impossible thing to ask, but try not to beat yourself up too much about it. You're doing the best you can!

The good news is that I enjoy them now. Well, parts of them, despite the worst economic struggles I've ever had. In fact, oddly enough, the turn around coincided with this(!) Part of it was by that point, I'd let go of the "obligatory" parts I hated. Had to really think about that. Some were obvious, some were subtle. It didn't happen all at once, but took years of whittling. It'd be very much an exaggeration to say that I'm now "filled" with holiday spirit, simply that it is enjoyable again. And I truly didn't think that would ever happen. But it did.

Just wanted to let you know that. Because I wanted to let you know you are not alone and realized my earlier post didn't convey that at all. It's not easy. There are years of what feels like suckitude of seemingly insurmountable proportions that just won't turn around. But it can. Perhaps not this year, but cut yourself some slack. It happens, it's ok, and again, you're doing the best you can.