It may well look to you as if nothing matters, but you need to understand and accept that that perception is not a vision of eternal human truth, that you are not joining in an objective perception the way you would if you went to a football game and watched the teams with all the other spectators, sharing a joint vision of what's going on in the field.

What you're seeing (and feeling) is a personal perception of yours that others don't share. And not only is it a personal perception, it's a perception that you perceive because you are ill. A wrong, erroneous and untrue perception. My saying that is in no way denying the reality of how you feel and what you feel. Those feelings are very real. But the perception (nothing matters and you mean nothing) is totally off-base, by no means whatsoever a perception on which you can act, take measures, do things, put stuff into practice.

If you accept your wrong perceptions as real, you are very, very likely to do things that you will later regret terribly, deeply, and with deep remorse. There's only one way out of your trap: accept your perceptions as the warped, off-base, inaccurate creations of your illness: Depression. Seek more help and better medications from your therapist and/or psychiatrist. Then do your own part, which means practicing every day your understanding that in reality plenty of things matter, including you and what you do.

If you've ever had more than enough to drink, you'll be somewhat familiar with the way a chemical (alcohol) can change the way you see things. There are other chemicals like that (what we normally call drugs) that can change your perceptions. So it's not really a great leap of faith to go from there to understanding and accepting that at certain times a person's brain can generate chemicals (or not make enough of certain chemicals) that change how you see things and how you think and feel. It's all just chemicals.

And if it's all just chemicals, then it's not reality. And if it's not reality, then you just have the mental equivalent of pneumonia, a bad flu, prostatitis or a yeast infection. And that illness is making you see and feel things that aren't there. And you'll get better! Do NOT do anything silly! Take care.