I wrote this huge long post in the abuse forum wondering if what my mom did was even really abuse, but the computer ate it. Now it seems like that means I should not be posting about this gross stuff anyway and totally second guessing whether I should have said anything to anyone ever about this stuff. UGH.

I once told my mom when she was telling me how worthless I was that other people didn't think I was worthless and liked me (one of my few attempts to stand up for myself in high school). She told me that they only seemed like they liked me and they didn't really. No one was ever going to love me and if they acted like they liked me it was only because they didn't know me as well as she did.

I feel like my therapist is actually getting to know me. All this secret stuff I've hidden. he's going to hate me and think I'm gross. I carefully hide how gross I am. Now he knows part of it. ugh. I called him yesterday for reassurance, but I'm STILL totally messed up and thinking about hiding in a hole somewhere and never seeing him again.