Quote:
Originally Posted by Irreplaceable
I can't tell you whether or not you should or shouldn't have kids with your husband, but you need to be very careful...The way that your husband is responding to this whole thing is very puzzling to me....I understand that is his father...But wrong is wrong....I would hope that he wouldn't put the safety of his child at risk because "he wants his child to have a relationship with his father"...Exactly what type of relationship is he talking about? Doing sleep overs? Taking them out for ice cream? Babysitting? Doing things that grand parents do with their grandchildren? This man should not be left alone with kids...Period...If you do plan on having kids, I strongly suggest that you and your husband sit down and have a talk about what is acceptable as far as his father is concerned....As far as I'm concerned, his father is a sick individual who needs to be kept away from children...Obviously, the nurse that talked to you has never been abused or had any of her kids abused...If she did, I doubt that she would be so nonchalant with her response...Yea, pedophils shouldn't be left alone with kids...DUH....But the whole grooming thing is what would concern me...Only my 2 cents...
Edit: And I had to add this...There is no way in hell that man would be in the same room as my child...If my husband has a problem with it, then he has a problem with it but this isn't something I would back down from...You know how you have to pick your battles in relationships? Well, this would definetly be a battle I wouldn't let go of...Think about this stat: 60% of children will be abused by the time they are 18 years old...And the majority of those abused, are abused from someone they know....And trust...It really bothers me that your husband is reacting like this/said he wants his child to have a relationship...Maybe if he knew that your sister in law was abused he wouldn't be so nonchalant about it...But that is family, and I don't know if I would get in the middle of that....If the sister in law isn't comfortable speaking on what happened to her,...He has no boundaries...What man would touch his daughter inappropriately? That takes a sick person...Your CHILD? If he has so freely done it to her, there would be no hesitation for him doing it to someone else...
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WOW. Thanks for responding. I appreciate your honesty and clarity. He knows about his sister. My mother in law told her son ( my husband about it). My husband told the lawyer defending his father ( the pedophile) but nothing was done about it. ( he or I should have told the prosecutor not the ******* defense attorney!!!!) Looking back on it I wish I could change my reaction to everything. His sister didn't want to talk about it which is understandable and I was in denial too along with my husband. He now says he wasn't in denial because he told the lawyer. Like a defense lawyer is really going to produce evidence contrary to his client . I wish my mother in law would have testified against him. But it all happened very quickly. This was 4 yrs ago. He served 2 yrs jail time for attempted solicitation and contact of a minor ( he was caught in a sting operation just like that show 'to catch a predator").
My husband questioned me last night if his father ever did anything to me. We met when I was 15 so I was still a potential target at the time. I said no. My hubby said that if his father ever touched me or our hypothetical future children that he would kill him. I know he meant that when he said it. So he knows about his sister, but hasn't talked to her about any of it. I told him how much that bothered me that he speaks to his father more frequently than he does his sister. He said its too painful to talk about and he doesn't want to bring it up. I am trying to get him to go to therapy he says its a waste of money and he has already dealt with the issues.
I just feel lost. I am trying to be respectful of his feelings. I am trying to imagine how I would feel. I know you can't say that until you've been in that situation. I still feel like I would disown my father if he ever hurt my baby brother ( who is now in his mid 20's and over 6"!
) I am still protective.
I guess what I don't get is my husband's lack of protectiveness over his sister. He doesn't attempt to talk about it or reach out to her. It bothers me. I know its none of my business.
At least he said he will go to my therapy sessions with me. Its a small first step.
Am I being mean to my husband? Is it irrational to say " i don't ever want to see your fathers face again? ( because I am afraid I will physically maim him), and I don't ever want him near our children ( even if hypothetical).
Is it irrational of me not to go to a holiday function because the pedophile will be there? My husband said well you haven't seen that side of the family in a while and they are asking about you.. what am I going to tell them? Not my problem. My sister in law hasn't seen her dad's side of the family since he was arrested no one is asking about her. They don't know what happened with her but they know about his arrest and supported him. yet they don't question why she stopped talking to him, or if she is ok. Whatever.
I feel like I am in god d*mn bizzaro world. I want to be a rational person and have respect for my husbands emotions. I can't imagine what it feels like for him- but at the same time He asked me to talk to his father because he puts up with my parents. He said I was abused and he hates them for it. I have a good relationship with my parents now ( as good as it will get) and I was never sexually abused by them.
My husband said that his father should always be supervised near children. And that if he found out his dad did anything he would kill him himself.
Is it ok to compromise and say your dad can see our future kids... when it makes me sick to think of a child near his father.
Wow sorry for the long post every one.