There is so much that has happened.. and H havent fit the pattern of what I am used to at all. It is confusing that he dont yell, confusing that he dont get upset with me. But I wonder does he just hide it instead?

I wish I could hook him up to my brain and show him why I am the way I am. I am in a constant state of anxiety. Every night the nightmares come and I have to keep on going through them. Sometimes I would rather die than sleep. but I do it anyways.

Do you have any idea what its like to spend the first 12 years of your life, haunted by the man that was supposed to protect you? its terrifying.. and my own "mother" whatever that is didnt beleive me and beat me for it repeatedly.

It didnt matter where i went when i was young, if i ran from mom to dad to stop getting beat. then i got the other. And vice versa. nowheres was safe. EVER.

I got beat for things that children shouldnt even have to do. When I was three my mother kicked me. breaking my little ride on car because I didnt want to do the dishes. When I was four, I was acting up and she threatened to drink javex and kill herself. She pretended to drink it until I cried and begged her to stop. She called the police on herself when I was 13 because she was going to kill me and came after me with a nife. I cut a pair of my jeans into shorts...

my dad did too sometimes, but only when I did anything that might take me away from him. When my parents separated. I begged to go with my mother. The forced me to go to my dads anyways. Then we got to live alone in an apartment. Those were the worst three years of my life.. It got so bad when I was 12 that he broke down my bedroom door when I tried to lock him out. I tried to jump out the window rather than go through it again. HE caught my legs. he "taught me a lesson"

The first memory I hve was when they were buiding the new house. that places me at around 2. I remember being upstairs with him and his friend.. and they "changed" me. I remember thinking how weird it was that it took them so long. They didnt hurt me though then.

I never got hurt much, not until I was 8. I dont remember exactly what happened. Its stored with one of the others, for my safety I assume. I remember it was dark, and I remember it hurt so much. I remember hiding my bloody sheets because he told me mommy would think I hurt myself and she would hit me.

I used to hide during the day. There was a huge feild about a quarter of as mile back on an old wood road that had since grown in. There was a huge knotty dead tree. I used to pretend it was my castle and that I was a fairy. I had an imaginary pet deer. These were my only friends.

My schoolmates called me EEyore, because I was always sad. I didnt talk to anyone really. I just stayed by myself. A girl in my class when I was in grade 2 made me do stuff to her on the playground.. I never told anyone. I didnt know what to do.

I used to fantasize I was a robot. Id tell everyone - Thats the only thing that made any sense to me as to why I could get hurt so bad and still be alive. Then, other times, I would pretend that I was really a beautiful princess. I stopped beleiving that around the time that the kids started teasing me because I was so ugly.

my parents grounded me if I got anything less than 100. My mother made me sit down every day when I was 4 up until i started school and she would force me to draw for at least a few hours. She said it would make me a good artist.

I got sick alot. My parents didnt beleive in keeping me out of school unless I had a fever or vomited. There were times I passed out at school because I had pneumonia or tonsilitis. One time my throat was so swollen I couldnt talk and the teacher had to take me home.

they had family friends that we used to go visit. Their 12 year old son touched me. he said that it was natural and that he just wanted to see but then he pinned me against a wall and made his fingers go in me. I cried so much. Later when his parents saw my tears he said I fell.

There are more times I know it, there are so many more times. The abuse was a daily thing with my father. Every night. I had a ceramic unicorn nightlight. I used it to space out when the worst of it was.

It got worse and more violent as I got older. A couple of times I hemmoraged from the rape....once I was 11. I never went to the hospital and it always stopped on its own eventualy thank god. I would have rather died than gone.

When i started junior high he really got violent. I went to school once with a blackened lip and eye. I told people my dad hit me, which he did, for peircing my belly button. They didnt beleive me. noone cared then. I dont think they do now.

finally in grade seven I called CAS. I ran away to a friends house, and told her mom he was beating me. I NEVER mentioned the other stuff. They called him, and he said he wasnt, so they beleived him. They told me i had to go back.

A few times in his apartment, I screamed so much that the neighbors would knock on the door and ask him what was wrong. he would make me dry my tears and go to the door and tell them I was fine. I wasnt.

he beat me once for having a leftover chocolate wrapper in my pocket. He said it was from hash. I was 11. I didnt even know what hash was.

Finally i got away.

I ran away to my moms and refused to go back. Finally one night I told my cousin jimmy. he made me tell the police. That was when they told me to break off contact pending investigation. He stalked me in baddeck. Chased me down a couple of times. threatened to kill me. would knock on our door and ring the bell, call and hang up... even AFTEr he was served papers.

Court lasted from the time I was 14 to the time I was 17. At pre trial I only told them up to everything else but the rape. I was too scared and they made me sit in front of him with him staring at me. I begged them to give me a screen. He smiled and Yawned and looked bored with the whole affair.

my grandmother was the only person who beleived me.

I got put in the hospital for suicide attempts four times during this time. It would help for a while then it wouldnt any more.

at trial i said everything. They used it against me. They said I made it up and rehearsed it. I got really upset on the stand and I think it broke my case. They found him not guilty. Of course....

a mnth later i ran. I ran away to halifax with my then boyfriend gareth (to bad he was hitting me at the same time.. i thought he loved me though since he protected me too) I spent my first few nights at his house then they placed me in adsum house, the battered woman shelter. I saw so much there. I saw children there, no more than my age, girls prostituting themselves. I saw women and there children. They let me dye my hair to keep my secret. I watched a woman , six months pregnant overdose on crack in our living room. she didnt die, but it was so traumatizing.

I heard gunshots evernight. Had men proposition me every time i went outside. I spent every night so scared...

Finally they got me into phoenix house. Everything was mostly ok there. I stayed for a year.

Then i went on my own. I was 18. I lived in a little slum apartment on clifton street. I got 730 dollars a month from the government. 475.00 of that went to rent. I had a one bedroom. It had bugs from the start. My lock never worked so I used to barricade the door at night. I was robbed more than once.

Thats about the time I was raped. I met a guy on a chat line, I was lonely and called that grape vine thing. He was from sackville too, some rich boy named sebastian.

We went on a date, and we went back to my house after to hang out. Everything seemed fine..We were kissing and stuff and he kept trying to advance and I kept telling him no..
I dont remember anything else except him holding me down, pinning me down.. telling me to keep still, and then he was in me and I was crying..

he never stopped until he was done. THEN he looked at me and said "why are you crying" like he didnt notice until now.

I never told the police. I dont know why I guess i thought i never had a case..

my dad stalked me,left notes threatening things to me in my apartment. I moved. He found me. I moved and didnt get a phone in my name and he found me. Finally, it stopped about four years ago. he always promised to kill me if i told if it was the last thing he did. I beileve he will still try, and as he gets closer to death the more scared I get. Sometimes when I am here alone I am terrified of every single noise.

I always knew about the splitting, just never knew about the alters. Suspected, didnt know.

Its not me that wants to drink either, though that sounds like a cop-out. Its not me that likes weed either. There is someone, something else.. its hard to explain.

Sometimes, now that I can contact some of the others, Sometimes the little ones scream and scream and scream and I just beg them to stop and they wont...

When I cut, it stops. It all stops for a short period of time. Everyone hides. And I feel strong again and normal.

I had planned on never ever telling anyone ever again. Until dan.. then he convinced me he wanted to help, he even bought me my courage to heal books... I beleived him, and I loved him so i made myself. Then he started getting so mad when I would dissociate. He pushed me, and he would say the most horrible things to me, tell me i was ********, and psycho.. the little ones didnt understand.. they just wanted a hug and someone to hold their hand. It would get to the point wher eI would be sitting almost drooling because I couldnt breath and switching and spacing out....

We got into physical fights a couple of times near the end. it was so bad. After him , I SWORE i would never show anyone again ever. I swore i wouldnt trust anyone ever.

Then I met H, and things were different. and I really beleived he had a heart of gold.. I really thought that I didnt want it to be the same. So i decided to be honest with H right from the start, to show you everything. but then he said he didnt want to date someone neurotic, so i hid it all again. stuffed it down. Then i just couldnt, The little ones were fighting to get to know him. The more i hid the worse it got, hence why I drank and got so stupid. I drank to hide everything.. thats why I kept apologizing every time. I drank to hide things.. I desperately didnt want to force someone else away..

Now i sit here, and im terrified im losing someone else. Again I have shown someone, and now they want to "talk" because they dont know where they are in the relationship.

I want to go back into the shell and not com eout.

Ever.