Thank you all- it does help to get some words on this!

I guess for me it is part of denial- like "It was not that bad, it could had been worse".... I see that in me, push and push myself till I am - just some where bad. It is great to read from you guy- I am glad that I found PC, it has helped so much just in like 5 months believe it or not

I do realize that I am very blessed to have met my boyfriend- I wish everyone had someone that they could go to or cry on their shoulder. I know I said at one point- It sounds so sad probably but My boyfriend (when we were just co-workers) had helped me clean up from my drug life, It was not like "stop doing them" from him but more so, why do you put yourself through chaos he would ask me...- I still yearn for drugs at times, but as days, months, years go by-- I do feel better and he is there to talk to when I am having a bad time with it---

Oh Open Eyes! I don't understand this rage stuff with PTSD either- That was one good thing that this PDoc has some experience in PTSD- I was sad but happy to hear about that... She understood the part when I said -- even when I am happy- I think things are an illusion and just wait to be smacked back down or something bad to happen.

This Pdoc is sticking with the Bipolar2 DX as well- even though I was like I move around too much with moods to be bipolar- I am having trouble with seeing a true pattern; but she said this was not an evaluation appt- so Bipolar it is with Severe PTSD Still-Though she did add in the appt- it seems like you get depressed with agitation when talking about the PTSD- I was glad my T's word is on this as well... IDK but T thinks BPD traits as well with all this (but that could be a fine line with the severe PTSD as well and I am learning)- Like I said the only reason I like to know the DX is it helps with understanding- it really does not matter, I just want to be better.

Thank you all-- thank you so much- The one thing that has really pushed myself with going into Pdoc and to try this, (yes I have accepted the offer of this trial med as mentioned and suggested), is that I don't see how I have gotten better with Therapy (meaning that a lot of stuff that T says I know, and do try at times, or I just can't do it some times- it sounds odd but I can't with how I get; I do find some days T insightful which is why I keep going and in hopes of better)-And granted I have not been in Therapy for a whole year (which was my original plan before trying meds) but this is through the county, and got told March 2012 is the cut off for it all....... I am hoping T can direct me where to go- I know T mentioned she would be doing a DBT group- but with recent news - I may be changing shifts to swings instead of graveyards at the beginning of the year-- I am sort of hoping for it but IDK Yet- nothing is set in stone. But Swings will be more interaction with people-- sigh- 2012 will be another adventure I think

But thank you all- Sorry for babbling :-P