Everything just seems overwhelming, and I need to vent. I dont know how heroin or syringes became "normal" or "routine". I'm both a student and technically what you would call a functional addict. I've been in and out of both therapy and rehab for over two years since I got arrested for selling mushrooms (as a minor thank god.) Out patient drug group did nothing for me except believe I can beat the system.

I was wrong. All sobriety did was make me realize how much I don't want to feel. Now about two years later, on and off SSRI's (now back on), I mostly use opiates so i can ignore everything that I don't like. Life is encroaching. I just feel like I'm a burden on my family, and i just want to crawl away so they won't have to bare the shame of what my life has led me to.

I'm on prozac again, because since my last discontinuation hard break ups, and all the stress of school made me want to end my life. Prozac stopped these urges for me, I wouldn't just hit the bottom of my sadness. I haven't really had many issues after starting it again, I've just had to quit wearing my heart on my sleeve, but you cant control feelings. And now it seems to be working less.

My question is what do I do? I'm just glad I'm at my parents house, because when I am away at school I barely have motivation to get out of bed during daylight except for drugs. I have a few friends out there, but I don't think they care, because my best friend who had to leave the University and I isolated ourselves from them with his girl and at that time oxycontin. They almost had an intervention with us, I laughed at the idea, but I just think they see me as a junkie. Especially when I dip out to go pick up and come back obviously nodding.

Is methadone just another way to cope or do you think it would help. Also what about benzos for anxiety? I really want to get help from doctors but I don't want them to black mark me as a junkie that will never get painkillers again. and I hate/fear doctors because I had a horrible experience getting a catheter when I had alcohol poisoning. Also they never want to give me anything even if I mimic symptoms from the DSM - IV checklist. And yeah I totally admitted to trying to play doctors, but they just see me and think stoner (or recently tweeker) and refuse me any medications. Again what do?
I've just been sobbing in my bed all night long.


My prozac is no