Hi SoFragile88. I agree that you shouldn't have to deal with this alone. That's just too painful.

If your family doesn't give you the support you need, finding other friends/other caring people sounds like a good idea. But you say you don't deserve friends, and to me this sounds like a self-esteem issue. The thing is, all people deserve a good, normal, happy life. I think that's a universal rule of life. It's a sort of God given right to all people. (This is not true for hardcore criminals, who have to go to jail of course. But the rest of humanity does deserve to be happy.)

The best way I've found to become happy is doing 1. exercise and 2. improving your social skills and in particular your conversation skills.

Doing exercise seriously makes you feel better on the inside and outside. Have you ever tried this seriously?

And improving your conversational skills can be a major way to become happy. Some bookstores have a self-help section so perhaps it's an idea to look there for some good book. Otherwise, you can search for them in an online bookstore like amazon.com or barnes and nobles.

I think if you find new friends and create a new life for you you will stop worrying about getting the love from your mother. I never got the love from my mother. She's just incapable of truly loving someone I think. So I had to move on (which was very difficult). When I met new people (and got more of my human needs met) I felt much less sad about not having a normal mother that cared for me.

Some people will not change; my mother never changed at least. But you yourself can change. If you create a new life for yourself with new friends I think your worries and that black hole in your soul will disappear.