Hello all,

I am hoping you can give me your support.

I have struggled all my life with feelings of depression, 'whimsical' wishes to
die and anxiety in social situations. At times it gets so bad I can not
approach a girl for a romantic relationship or a person for friends, or
get through the steps of getting a job.
I am trying to go to two 12 step "like" meetings a week, two
"T"s and seeking to add a psychiatrist, so I can pull myself out before
I end up homeless.
Which is a looming possibility.
I have been told all my life "you're being over-sensitive'...
you know, I actually began to accept that that was the problem. I with
all the self-introspection since June and 'that class' have come to a realization that it is about the fact my father left when I was five.
Oh, sure, lots of people survive and thrive after such an event; endure
worse things in fact. Many of those people have been my friends .
This is so because it seems I can only relate to people of suffering and
hardships.
sorry about the diversion.
I blamed myself for my father leaving. I felt I had failed in some way. I
felt he didn't love me. My memory retrieval this year shows me that it
not because of the things he said. He had always been a 'goober' but
he was supportive.
It is because of a mom who compulsively frames things in a gloom.
"your father left because he didn't love you".. then she will forget and
vehemently deny she ever said such things.
She saw me come home from school beaten because I was picked on, and her view is 'i was in a fight because "I was responsible somehow".
I spent my whole first 25 yrs believing her b.s. because that is the way
my father set me up. His words "do what your mother tells you" got
translated to my mind of 5 yr as 'what she says is always gospel. She
always was doing things and if it was wrong, she would deny it happened,
or frame it as "well that is love for me to treat you that way."
Every person with a few sane and realistic people as exceptions, would
tell me that 'parents are not perfect, but what she does is from love" or
"nobody knows you like your mom", or other things that when I try to
hold them in my mind as some statement of truth makes me have to
twist my >self-esteem< in knots untill it vanishes.

I am struggling to recover my memories and hold them in some form where
I can have a "SELF" and I can have a self esteem, that is
not thrown to shreds by dangerous claims by '
peers such as "mom knows best", "know one loves you like your mom",
"if you need support... what about your mom?", "you mom >means< well"
, or "mom's are the best".
I hate to say it but I said such things as I would trade my mom for
any other person's mom in a heart beat... sight unseen; that was last year.

NOW, now I would treat her for a flaming bag of dog poop.
Her lack of response when I beg and plead for praise on those things I
really treasure as memories. Her taking the one relationship I treasured
and saying (paraphrase) "well she dumped you?, or you dumped her, which is
it?"
It hurt me to leave that woman, but our paths were taking us in different
directions. she christian, me in a eclectic to seek healing for my childhood
wounds of not being acknowledged; and being insulted and stripped
of freedom to act or self-esteem at every avenue.

I can survive the loss of a father who left at my age of 5 yrs, and who was
a sorry, depressed, directionalless loser. (my mom's vision/ and now I see that view point). He had his (metaphorical) dragons to wrestle.
I can survive the horrible friend and romantic history I have had (in spite of
being good looking and smart). >> begs the question what could be so
desperately wrong with me to so thoroughly fail.?

I can survive this life devoid of an average list of achievements.
What kills me is this crushing feeling of depression cause by a society and
world that says. "mom knows you better than anyone", "mom loves you
best" and then be treated with such invisibility; with such disregard that
her words and failure to acknowledge my exhaustion as real, or my hunger for
her praise of my achievements that >I TAKE PRIDE IN" is of any value.

Please help me, how to a have self-confidence and self-esteem and
happiness in spite of this popular consensus that I should
expect and need and DESERVE this 'negaholic's' and 'never
reinforcer's" approval, attention, acceptance or acknowledgement?

Thank you so much for your patience in reading this desprate plea;
if you have any suggestions I hungerly appreciate it.


Sandworm