I can just imagine his face, lol...

The best thing that can happen is for this to all go to court. Everything will come out there, including that wacky council quote about my mother needing counselling.

So, with that in mind, the next time some council official knocks on my door I have several different reactions for them.

"That? Oh, no... that's not a dog. It's a Parrot."

"Barking? There hasn't been any barking here. Oh, wait... yeah, that was me and the boyfriend... Sorry about that."

Invite them in, sit them down in my by now Lovecraftian "ashes" room, and keep them talking for at least two hours about the different plot lines of American Horror Story, offering them nothing but a weak cup of tea and a plain biscuit. (I have developed a strange and twisted sense of humour over the years)

Respond to every knock at the door (including theirs) with loud repetitive cries of: "There's someone at the door! There's someone at the door!"

I'm also having lots of fun now writing to the Ombudsman...