(((Fight)))

I sure can relate! I feel as though you're experiencing the same thing that I've gone through for as long as I can remember. With one exception: I have a tendency to save my explosions for those who I am actually close to. Ugh! Guilt galore on that one!!

My cause is rocky and jagged relationships with family members all throughout my childhood. Always trying to satisfy, comfort, and alleviate stress in the household. Unsuccessfully. I quickly learned that avoiding my house was a relief, but that option led to more hurts and lifelong consequences. I've been in therapy (with many different T's) for 30 years. Trying hard to fix my problems.

Just one or two years ago, I finally could see my patterns and the causes, but I still haven't gained acceptance. That piece is up to us to take control of, in order to let go of the pain and self-hatred that we feel inside of ourselves. Until I am willing to accept my past (as sucky as it was, it's still in my past) than I will not be an actual player in the game of life. Instead, in sitting on the sidelines, refusing to go up to bat (because I don't like this game, or whatever).

I have accepted that fact. That part of the pie. But, I'm not quite ready to let go of the shame and anger about my childhood. Sounds pathetic, I am sure! I know my family would tell me it is ridiculous. I just have to loudly remind myself (perhaps?) that my acceptance of the past would be for me. Not for anyone else. Just so I don't have to carry these miserable feelings around with me forever.

Don't know if that helps you gain some sense of understanding your self-hate, shame and misery ~ but I sure hope that it does & hasn't hurt you any further! Best wishes to you.