...I never sipped anything much....it was gulp and swallow!

I felt alive on alcohol....aware of myself...
I went from a few drinks to smoking pot to injecting amphetamines and taking acid trips....magic mushrooms...exctasy...coccaine and whatever ungodly things were in these items?
the chemical distraction was all that mattered....and sometimes still does

I met many doing the same....in-fact millions are doing it as I write and you read.

I lack something within that should or could have said NO

I have something within that does and will survive

I have something without'...that has protected me

I have everything I need?

but still I drink

I could go on....but I have no advice