fight
I seem to do this also for as long as I can remember. The more I try to do anything, the more I seem to sabotage myself.
Alienated from family, friends etc... then cycle cycles on and on... spiralling ever downwards, until, I scared myself so much I went for help for the first time.
I now take an anti depressant (Citalopram) which stops me going too far down, but also combined with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, is starting to allow me to notice these same self-destructive patterns, which have brought me to this place.
shezbut says it all, the feelings and consequences, just go gently on yourself.
I know it is very hard to do, but in the end, it is only up to us, if we want to try move towards the Light, so welcome to this place of kindred spirits...