"I cannot enjoy anything, when people ask me what I do for fun I don’t know what to say. I always feel so much pressure from myself to perform"
I tried to post a similar thread somewhere else but this line explains exactly what I meant to say! Ty for it

I've recently started reading a book called "The Mindfulness Solution: everyday practices" by Ronald Siegal. So far it talks a lot about how we spend so much time worrying about how to make ourselves happy that we never get a chance to be happy. It might be worth taking a look at, it was only $10. I've also tried CBT books which might help you (I wasn't very good at them).

As far as figuring out why you do this seeing a T might be your best bet