I was talking to my dad yesterday, trying to ask him for help, any kind of help towards getting some hay. Sigh....I had found a farmer that had hay for a decent price and while I did get some from him it only lasted a month, not even really. Well I wanted to get more but then the pony got sick and I couldn't get back for more, well someone else bought him out. I thought my prayers had been answered (I have been praying all the time) and I just couldn't utilize it.

Anyway, I have been trying to tell my father how much I am struggling with what I have. Sadly he is old now and I don't think he is going to truely get it. None of my family truely gets it which makes it very frustrating. However I can't blame anyone, I have a hard time with it myself.

But my dad replied that it is important to be careful what I tell people because every time I tell people it also tells myself to learn it or think it as well. At first he upset me by saying that because I felt he was trying to dismiss my real concerns, something many do which can make the condition even more frustrating. But I don't want to turn away any food for thought, I actually do consider every way peope do respond to me.

So, I stopped and considered his statement in many ways. First much of my thought has been about trying to be positive as well as learn as much as I can about what I have. For several months I would utter confusing difficulties I was experiencing and finally found out that these difficulties were symptoms of what I have. So, that isn't convincing myself of anything, it is recognizing where I struggle and then learning what it means. Actually I tend to not want to discuss the bad memories or events or my emotional difficulties because I do NOT want to somehow have these troubling issues consume me in any way.

I thought about my time in PC and why I originally joined. In the beginning I was just trying to look at myself to see if I could identify troubled areas that I may not be aware of. One of my major concerns was trying to understand WHY I was misunderstood. I must say that I was very eager to know and looked for anyway I could express myself and get a reaction.

Along with that effort I was also trying to understand what my diagnosis meant. I WAS struggling, and it WAS concerning me and I also WAS extremely misunderstood outside PC. I wanted so badly to get a handle on what my diagnosis meant and I made many efforts to try to discribe it any way I could that might help me recognize how it WAS really effecting me. I honestly felt that if I could identify it effectively then I could work on consciously resolving it.

It was a lot harder than I anticipated. And I didn't get an immediate answer to how I was misunderstood either. And the therapist I had been seeing did go over some of the diagnoses that were considered possibles as well. He told me that what was considered was not the case and the problem with me is that I am extremely intelligent and also very giving and many people don't understand that, confuse it, use it, and tend to think I have some kind of other motive other than just trying to assist.

When I told him about joining PC he wasn't really supportive of it. He was very concerned that I would end up consentrating on helping others and giving rather than addressing what I truely needed to address, my own concerns. And he kept addressing me as extremely intelligent, which truely troubled and confused me and even made me question his abilities to treat me. So I decided to continue coming to PC and see if I could see for myself what he was trying to say. I kept his advice in the back of my mind and just basically threw myself in the mix of this place called PC.

In many ways he was right, I did try to address and help others. But each time I did that I did learn. I do admitt though it took me a while to talk about my own issues and personal history. I was only able to do that a little by PMing a quiet member just basically answering a question presented to me. In my efforts to chronicle things about myself with this one member I got to a certain part and simply couldn't go any farther. I am sure it must have been somewhat confusing for this member.

Slowly revealing some deep troubles in my past was extremely difficult to do. Many times I would post difficult memories only to delete them. I was having flashbacks and couldn't understand what they meant. I was trying to read other members discussions about what they experienced.However I found it extremely difficult to enter my own issues that were similar to their issues. I had spent a lot of time addressing the issues of others and talking about my oppinions about various topics. However admitting my own issues, and deep concerns was really hard to do. (this is part of how PTSD victims feel that I have now come to know)

I finally began to slowly reveal and it did meet with a strange reaction. At the time there were a couple of members that had big saga threads. I was amazed that someone could do that. I didn't want to do that, I honestly didn't want to put a big focus on some very troubling experiences in my past. To my surprise when I did make a decision to talk about some of my personal troubles I did meet up with reactions that somehow suggested I was trying to steal some kind of pitty spotlight. And that is exactly what happens to me outside PC. I admitt that I was extremely triggered and honestly didn't know what to do or how to react.

I do have an answer to part of my question about being misunderstood. And I have to say it wasn't at all what I had thought it might be and yet somehow it was a concern. Somehow people that come to know me seem to think that I should be able to just fix my own issues as I seem to be so smart in many other ways. For some reason because I seem to be able to achieve an overall understanding of others, it is thought that the only reason I express personal difficulties is to somehow manipulate others for a personal gain. And when I do express a personal concern often others don't know what to say to me because they can't understand why I really struggle or that I really struggle.

The reality is, even if I am smart, which I do debate still on many levels, I truely do have a very difficult disorder that is proving to be very challenging. As I work with my current therapist, he does tell me all the time that I am so intelligent. I have to say that often when I leave his office I cry, because if I am so dam intelligent why cant I fix myself?

Open Eyes