B"H

Atoline...

I am sorry you feel yourself jammed into such an isolating situation. first and foremost, you have to remove yourself from the dependency you have on your girlfriend and get more grounded with yourself, slit seems to me. you can do this by finding the best available mental health care available to you. a therapeutic relationship where you feel safe and comfortable to explore your deepest feelings. it definitely sounds like you need something for depression. you mention you have a high iq and test positive for bi-polar on some Internet tests. did you know mental health problems and bi-polar, specifically, are often correlated with highly intelligent individuals. perhaps you can explore what exact mental health problems you have with the therapist you find.

second, if you are living in a relationship where you re too dependent on your partner, I am not sure you are in a position to assess whether or not to marry her...in addition to the conversion and religion issues. you need to be a whole person yourself who is dependent on yourself to make decisions that are healthy and appropriate for you. It sounds lie you have many issues clouding you from being what you need to be on your own before you can make sound decisions about marriage and religious conversion. the depression is the first problem along with any other mental health issues such as OCD and bi-polar. moreover, not being self-dependent clouds your judgment.

a healthy marriage involves two individual and self-reliant individuals joining their lives together to create a relationship that is stronger than its individual parts. you seem to know that you are not prepared for this right now. I agree with you. if she has already pulled away as you aRe too dependent on her, marriage does not appear to be appropriate now. I understand how divorce can cause you to lose past friendships and close friends, but there is nothing stopping you from forming new ones that will help become a support system for you. I am not saying it is so easy, but it may be somewhere you should direct your efforts towards. a few good and true friends is better than several acquaintances.

I hear quite a bit of loneliness and sadness resonating from your post. I am sorry you find yourself so alone when it comes down to things. I believe the first step is finding that therapeutic relationship which can help you become more whole as a person. as you get stronger, you will be able to think about the possibility of conversion and marriage. moreover, you will have a clearer perspective to delve into the consequences of your potential conversion and subsequent marriage. I hate to see you turn your back on your family whereby they do not accept your decision to convert and marry as you may need their support down the line. but only you, with a clear head, free of depression can evaluate the pros and cons of your future actions as you will have to live with the consequences. through no de is ion of my own, my father's remarriage after he lost my mother has inextricably impacted my father's ability and willingness to be involved in his children's lives. he has created a new life for him and his wife along with her family. while it was not a choice I made which cut me off from him, it is difficult as I miss my father greatly. I miss who he was, not who he is. I a not saying you will do the same, but perhaps your decision to convert will make your family pull away from you. are you prepared for this possibility? I think a personal inventory on all your relationships is important to take when deciding about conversion and marriage. do not get yourself in a position where your wife is all that you have as this will cause more dependency on her and perhaps undermine the marriage. this is where having your own friends to rely on is essential. it helps to have your family as well. nonetheless, these issues are things you really cannot make decisions about u til you are able to emerge from he fog of depression. if you are bi-polar, mania can sweep away your decisions as well. please seek help for yourself and find the right meds before you make these life changing decisions to make sure you are making the decisions based from the perspective of a grounded reality.

I wish you the best of luck in figuring out your future. a process you cannot afford to take lightly. please keep us posted as to your progress. I think there is a lot of sound advice from my fellow posters here in this thread. take care, be well, and stay well. I will add you to my prayer list.


Sloane