I haven't posted here in a while. Really since this summer, and I feel like I should be here more and offer support, but at the same time maybe it's good because I've come a long way since this summer. mainly because of my medicine. At the end of last semester I was at an all time low and needed to fix a lot of things and finally through lots of time with my doctor found a good combination of medicine. I had been against taking multiple medications for a long time because I didn't want to be overly medicated or too dependent on medication, but I realized that the one medicine approach wasn't going to cut it. I'm now taking three different kinds as well as three different specialty vitamin type things to help balance everything out. I'm not perfect- I still struggle with feeling sad, hopeless and worthless. But I feel better than I have since childhood. I am soo much more functional now and even though I have to keep working it's a big improvement. I decided that I would rather have the side effects than the depression. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to have my prescriptions renewed and ran out of medicine about a week or so ago. because I knew I'd be getting everything renewed tomorrow I (foolishly) figured that a week without it would be fine. I am itchy, nauseous, can't focus, and worst of all in only one week my symptoms are back full force. I am soo stressed out and anxious -I am worried out of my mind and am feeling so sad and worthless. I just can't wait to get my medicine and even though it's only tomorrow I feel like it's forever away because I don't want to deal with the night.

I guess the point of this post is just that I wish i wasn't so dependent on this medicine - I don't want to take 6 pills a day for the rest of my life, I don't like the side effects or the sick feelings or any of it. I am glad to be feeling so much better with my depression but at the same time I feel useless and angry with myself that I can't function at all without all these drugs in my body.