This is kind of a long story, but it's been bothering me and I was wondering if anyone had any advice.

At the end of last semester in April I was at an all-new low in my life, a big thing was that I was getting drunk every night of the week to deal with my feelings. One night I ended up making out with a guy from one of my classes, (I'm going to just call him Joe) just making out nothing else. I was drunk at the time and would never have done anything with him otherwise, he started kissing me and I stopped him pretty early on telling him that I didn't want to do that and left. The next day he commented on what had happened and said that he was interested in me. I told him that it was a one-time thing and that I just wanted to be friends. He started constantly texting me and getting angry when I didn't reply right away. If I didn't text him back within (seriously) 5 minutes he would start sending messages asking me why i was avoiding him and why I was acting weird. Joe was getting very over the top and so every time during the following week when he asked me to come over I refused.

But that Friday I started drinking at 5:00 and just kept going. By about 10:00 I really didn’t know what was going on. I don't remember a lot about that night past a certain point. But I do know that for some reason I agreed to go hang out with joe and some other people in the lobby of their dorm. I remember that he kept hitting my butt and trying to kiss me, I remember that at some point I gave in and was kissing him back, then i remember going with him to his room (later I found out from one of the other people who was there that night that it was to get more alcohol) I remember being very anxious. I remember there was a movie on in his room, I don't remember anything else. At all. The next thing I remember was lying on the floor of my room much later in the night crying and my roommate asking me what had happened. I am a compulsive drunk texter and had been texting a couple friends who weren't there throughout the whole night - I later read through my sent items and at one point my messages started saying things like (and I am fixing the spelling here, my drunk texting was barely legible) "please help me" "Can you come get me from Joe's room?" and "I'm really scared right now, i don't want this to happen." later on I had sent one friend a message saying "I'm really upset - this guy fingered me and I really didn't want him to." (I'm very open in my drunk texting) I woke up the next morning in a lot of physical pain and very little memory of the night before. I honestly have no idea what happened. Past what I told my one friend I don't know what I did with Joe, I don't know if we had sex or just what I had told him. I don't know if it was my idea or if I went along with it. I don't even know if I can be mad at him because I just don't know what happened. I was upset about the whole situation but there was a lot going on in my life and I pushed the whole thing aside.

Well after this I didn't do anything with anyone, drunk or sober. When I was drunk I just stayed away from any guy, not long after I went home for the summer, realized that my life was out of control and made some major changes. About a month after that I was with a guy, completely sober and completely consensual but when he touched me I basically freaked out. I got really anxious and upset, I disconnected from the situation and just lay there until he realized that something was wrong and stopped. In the middle of all of it I found myself thinking about the situation with Joe. Not long after that l started dating a really wonderful guy. I really liked him but the first time he touched me in a sexual way I, again got very upset and he had to stop. It took a long time for me to feel comfortable with my boyfriend touching me, every time he would do it I would feel gross and violated even though he was very caring and I wanted to be with him. Actual sex was just terrible. He and I just broke up (for reasons not related to this issue) and now I don't want to do anything with any guys. I don't want any sort of physical relationship. The idea of someone touching me in a sexual way makes me feel extremely gross.

I don't understand what happened. This was not any sort of sexual assault. I was drunk, I don't remember it. So why, ever since then, am I so uncomfortable being physical with someone? I don't feel like I should be. It's really bothering me and I don't know why i feel this way or how to change things back to how they were before.