B"H

Roman,

it sounds like you have a perfectionist type A personality where you shoulder all the responsibility on yourself. the situation you are in is not entirely your own responsibility. you say you are working three jobs and shouldering the financial responsibility on yourself to give your fiancé time to figure out what he wants. when do you get to decide what you want. you will only find happiness through living your life vis a vis your own path of wants and needs. I do not mean to say your fiancé is not part of that,but it is unfair to yourself if you are satisfying his needs and not your own. granted, desperate times call for desperate measures. you both need to be contributing equally to your mutual survival, but what you each want also needs to be part of it. at least have goals to reach if you cannot due what you want to do right now. you will never be happy together if you are always sacrificing your happiness for his or vice versa. this will only eat to resentment of one another in the long run...anxiety and depression in the short run.

you are clearly suffering from severe anxiety and depression. by the way, I think it is great that he helps keep you grounded when he is available and present whie you prepare yourself for hat you have to do...e.g. your morning job. however, he will eventually need to start working a job which will keep him busy at times when you need him to be there to soothe your anxiety. is there anything you can find or do that allows you to self-soothe yourself? perhaps you should find some things such as meditation and meditative breathing or something else that grounds you. I highly recommend meditation and meditative breathing to relax yourself or as a self-soothing mechanism.

it seems you need to organize your thoughts and feelings on pare to prepare to have a long talk with your fiancé. during this talk, I recommend you each state what you need for yourself and what you need from him. he should state the same. you will have to negotiate ith one another as to what you can each give to the relationship without giving too much of yourselves up. when you discuss what you need for yourself that you do for yourself...do not Hirt yourself...be totally honest. he should do the same. ultimately, a good relationship involves two people who are fulfilled on their own and join together to broaden each other's horizons. you should be an infinitely stronger force together than you are as independent individuals alone.

in addition, in this process of self discovery, you need to be a bit selfish by focusing on yourself and your needs to fulfill yourself and make you whole. therapy I your "me time" you have to help do this. skipping therapy since it opens too many cans of worms and makes working difficult is a real problem. you need your therapy to help you cope with all the things in life overwhelming you as well as to explore yourself and all you want from life. it is a gift you need to indulge yourself in. I know sessions can be intense and linger with you, but I believe you need to find a way to commit to going to therapy and going to work. perhaps you should make this your first order of business in therapy. your therapist can help give you some coping techniques to work while still continuing therapy.

it also sounds like you are living in survival mode right now. just getting by day to day. at some point, you need to make your personal goals part of the survival mode to fulfill yourself rather than work jobs that bring you no personal satisfaction. you are sacrificing this for yourself while working to the bone to allow your fiancé the luxury to do this for himself. this is not something that can go on indefinitely. perhaps you need to set a time frame within which your fiancé needs to figure his desired path out within. his luxury comes at a great cost to you. as I said earlier, this will not end well for you if you allow it for an indefinite amount of time. it already has you depressed and anxious.

as for the health of your relationship and what is messed up as you put it. this is something to discuss at the time you sit down together nd discuss your needs and wants for yourself and for your relationship. all I know I that to be a good partner, one needs to be fulfilled inside. both of you need to work this out to be the best partners for one another. I am not sure what I messed up wrt your relationship, but you are both feeling it. this alone is enough to cause you anxiety and depression. I hope you take some time and resources to invest in yourself first. only then can ou be sure the relationship is right for you. he needs to o the same to evaluate the same for himself. once you get all this out, you will be able to set goals for yourselves alone as individuals and together as a couple. then, set goals and act upon them to fulfill yourself and himself and then to fulfill your relationship. just so ou know, all relationships go through growth spots which test the relationship. it sounds like you are each going through personal growth spurts and a relationship growth spurt also. o ly time and hardworking can tell how you will come through it. just make sure to feed yourself first and your relationship second as you need your personal strength to add anything to your relationship's strength.

good luck and keep us posted as to your progress. i read a post of yours that was a reply to someone else's post where you told them to slow down a bit and ask their spouse to slow down as well, it was perfect advice. take it for yourself now. feel free to private message me if anything I said needs clarification or further explanation, or if you need to talk more. take care, be well, and stay well.

most sincerely,

sloane