I didn't even realise I already signed on here a bit ago, but I suppose I've always been a bit depressed, way of life and all that.. Recently however I've hit a new low.

I can't get out of bed. In fact I don't think I've left my house in more than a week. I haven't seen my friends in months, or gone out properly in longer than that. I used to be social, now I cringe at having to go out and face people. When I cancel things, it's such a weight of my shoulders - I can breathe again. I find myself reflecting instead of having fun, I can't go out without thinking what the hell I am doing there and why everyone is so happy. I don't know how to behave anymore.

I hate my family, I can't talk to them. I'm kind of ignoring right now, so I'm hardly speaking. They're a bit unsufferable, so I can justify that a bit I think. I like not speaking though, and that's scaring me. People downright depress me, and I've become quite resentful. I want to be left alone, it seems. I've become fond of this shell. Depression is something I've accepted, and the familiarity eases me, tbh!

I can't stand university. Last semester sometimes I just sat in my car and stared out blankly and would walk in late just so I could be there for as short a time as possible. I skipped like 80% of my lectures. I would cry out of nowhere. I find that I have tears at the ready, and I cry unexpectedly.

I did pass though because I'm too scared to be destructive and fail at my studies. And I would never consider anything rash either. I don't understand the options that people sometimes choose, and I could never. Such things make me cringe almost as much as the depression itself.

Sadly, I don't think I'll be going to the doctors. It's something I have to deal with myself. I don't talk to people about it, I don't think 3 people know that I get depressed regularly. I just don't know how... If only I can leave my stupid house.. but I've become too comfortable for that, and too comfortable with the depression.

Any ideas? Tell me to suck it up if you must, but please do not suger coat. I'm honestly lost here. Oh, and sorry for the long rant!