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I have hit an almost all time low. Not since I was 17 have I been this bad off and back then I wasn't on meds or diagnosed. I just got depressed was all the doctors could tell my parents.
I quit taking my meds about a month ago. Missed shrink appointment and they ran out and just don't care enough to go back in. I just can't move. I'm stuck. The only way I make it to work is by just stepping back and going on autopilot. for some reason my autopilot only seems to work for conversations, driving and parts of my job. My zoning on autopilot is starting to get me in trouble with everyone. I don't remember some of the stuff I do at work, can't remember most of the ride home from work( guess I should say drive but I feel more like a passenger) and don't remember most of my conversations I have with people. Everything feels like it's crumbling and I'm just standing here watching. I don't care about anything. My hubby is concerned I'm going to try to kill myself. He's asked me about it several times in the last couple weeks. I just can't get it through his head that he doesn't have to worry. I don't care enough to kill myself. What's the point in trading one craptastic existence for another? I just don't care. I feel nothing but hopeless and sad and empty. I've been sick for the last week. Don't know if this downward cycle caused it or if it's just "timing". Logically I know this is part of the disease. I know what goes down must come up. How do I hang on, hold it together until then and not alienate everyone in the process? All I have to do is pick up the phone and call for help but it's just so much effort. Well actually I have to stay awake until they open and call and I just can't. I get off work at 6:30 I get home at 7 and I'm asleep by 7:30. I wake up with just enough time to eat and get to work so I can repeat the same routine over and over.
I feel stupid even writing this because I brought it on myself. I missed MY appointment. I felt this coming on and did nothing to stop it. I'm just a useless screw up like I've always been.
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