It's about preservation.

• Self preservation - if I don't assume that mask when I leave the house in the morning, I venture out into the world with all nerve endings raw and prickling. It somehow provides a little bit of breathing space.
• Preservation of others - I feel the need to protect my husband and mum from how bad I feel. I've put them through enough over the years. Mum in particular just does not understand. Those close to you are caught up in your depression as much as you sometimes.
• Not freaking out people I work with - if every time someone said 'Hello, how are you' and I told them the truth, people would start to give me a very wide berth. On the other hand, when things have piled on top of me and I feel like I'm choking, I have blurted out 'I feel hideous' to people I don't know very well and they've been great. I don't do that on a regular basis though.

And because tomorrow might be better. I might be having a crapulous week...but I might start to not hate myself and my life so much in a few days. I don't want people to panic. Or to put me in hospital.