Hi LittleYellowSpider,

Your post sounded really familiar to me. Been there, still there in many ways. Your not alone in this, millions of people go through the same feelings and thoughts about there meds and what it says about them. One thing for sure: You are not weak or foolish. No way. The feelings may be there, feeling are feelings, they just are. They do not define you and the value you provide to you friends, family, and the community in general.

As missbelle said, our meds are no different than meds for any other condition. They help! They enable us to do things that would be impossible without them. In some cases our pmeds preserve our lives.

Reading your post left the impression on me that you are more on top of this than you may be giving yourself credit for.

You say you still have to "work" at it. I bet you do, I know I sure do. I believe most of us do. The work can be satisfying in its own way. Feels good to put in an effort and then experience to positive results of the work. Like creating beautiful art, you put your heart and soul into it and when your done it feels darn nice to take in what has been achieved, what it means to you and those you chose to share it with.

OK, a small, simple to understand but maybe not easy to do suggestion.

Sit with these feelings. During your quiet, personal time, just be still and consider what is going on with you. Think about how it is without the meds, what goes on with your body, take a survey head to toes. Same for your thoughts and feelings. Maybe write it down, journal it. Do the same for when you are on your meds. Allow your self to feel, don't suppress or resist your feelings as best you can. Just as important, don't cling to your feelings. Take what my therapist calls the surfers approach. Ride the wave. If it's a nice wave, useful to you, stay with it for a while. If it's not a useful wave, cut back and get off. Then do something nice for your self. Once your ready, paddle back out and find a better wave. Might take some time to be able to do this, to be able to single out the focused feelings and thoughts about your meds from the rest of the noise that can go on in our minds.

So, be nice to yourself. Give yourself credit for your success's. Your decision to renew your meds could easily be seen as a "wise" choice. You did and can function even while on your med holiday. You may find you will feel more energized and thrive once back on them. Good on you!!!