Has anybody ever tried to get to the pain inside? To really sit with it and feel it so you can heal? It's there - the pain and grief I haven't resolved - but it's just out of reach. I start to cry a little and things just shut off. It's really pissing me off - I just want to FEEL it, dammit! But it's just out of reach.

I used to be able to feel things very deeply. Not sure if it's the meds or the dissociation kicking in, or maybe a combination of the two, but something's interfering and I want it to stop. I don't feel particularly dissociated, though. Just blocked. It's a different feeling than the dissociation.

I don't want to take these meds anymore, but I know that's not the answer. At least part of me knows that. The other part of me is ready to throw them out the window. In the ten years of being on medication since my diagnosis, I've never gone off of them once. I don't plan on doing it now, but the thought is very tempting. I just want to feel again.