My session was almost perfect except I didn't cry. It was emotional without crying though. I was SO nervous because of the subjects I wanted to talk about that I couldn't relax too well during the meditation today.

I brought a whole bag of my makeup with me but I told her I was too anxious and felt too stupid to put it on in the session. She encouraged me to, though, and said sure, she would tell me the truth about how it looked. and help me. So I put some on and she said it looked fine and that I was too worried about it being exact. I told her that hers looks better and she said she doesn't even look to put it on because she's so used to it. I know many women don't need to look. I forgot to ask what brand she uses. I forgot that I like Bare Essentials better than Clinique for lipstick, so that's what I used.

We talked about my feeling inferior to others and of course she wanted to do EMDR but I didn't want to, so we didn't. I wanted to talk about my fears about death and my "what if" it were the last time we saw each other. I told her some things, briefly, and she told me how much improved I am and some other good things about me, like how I look at her directly now and that we're more connected. I said "what about my pattern?" and she thinks I'm more into my RL now.

I sat across from her like I wanted to and it was fine. I was blushing about the makeup though. I certainly didn't need any blush!

She admires me a lot and said she doesn't work just for the money, and again, that she will never forget me. She likes that I work hard and will try things like yoga and meditation.

I said the little part loves you and I know you said you love that part too, so it means you love me too. She didn't deny that; she sort of agreed. Then I said "I love you too", and added "whatever that means". I thanked her for letting me hold her hand and asked if she would now. It was nearing time to end. So she came over and sat next to me. I wrote my check and then got up and asked for a hug. So we did. I wished her a good trip. I took the bear I gave her with me.

I decided to see my kids so my H and I are going away too. That will help me deal with my T being gone. We hadn't plan to go but we are.

I will be anxious about her trip, of course. She goes tomorrow but then I go on Wednesday! She's such a nice person, my T. I told her about the thread on how Ts are at home and said "you're a nice person" outside of therapy, aren't you? You aren't different? She smiled at that and sort of agreed. I know she probably yells at her kids sometimes, or used to, but that's not what I meant. She's a very caring, loving, dedicated T and I'm so glad I fouind her.