Can anybody tell me, how common are false memories? The reason I ask is because I've been in therapy for a number of years now, working on issues from my childhood -- and i have what I'd call partial memories -- usually involving only a few seconds -- of disturbing events that I definitely know took place as a kid. The problem is that the rest of the memories are gone, there are big holes. In one case in particular, the perpetrator in the event is not remembered, only the sound of my sister begging and crying Don't, and my stomach all knotted up and terrified.

I'd like to just forget about it and move on with my life, but I seem unable to. Even though i don't think about it consciously, it's like i can feel it under the surface -- the pain and fear. Sometimes i get triggered (such as hearing about SA in the news, i get very forgetful and spacy, lose things, and lose my sense of direction. I also become aware of great emotional pain that is lodged in me and that sometimes results in crying spells. But the problem is that i can't explain WHY the pain is there, i only know that it IS there.

My t and I suspect that there are events that I've consciously forgotten about that an inner part of me remembers and is hanging onto. And while my t is not pusing me to try to recover these memories, i think that she believes that the memories are there, and that is what prompts my dissociative and flashback-type episodes.

My t has been asking me to pay attention to what that hurting part of me needs to say, instead of getting overwhelmed and going numb or cutting off all my emotions. The problem is, I am terrified to listen to that inner part of me because it is telling me that a certain member of my family may have been the abuser. I don't want to believe this with all my heart! And there is no way that i can get anybody in my family to verify this or even talk about what happened. I'll never know for sure. And it scares me, and makes me feel really guilty, to even be suspicious about this person because it feels so wrong to point the finger if maybe they didn't do it. But my t seems to think that i need to acknowledge what that part of me is saying, and talk about it and get the feelings out -- or else i might not ever be able to let go of this and heal. I don't know what to do!!

My h suspects this particular person in my family of being the abuser, and i keep telling myself that maybe the only reason i am suspecting him now is because my h has put that idea in my mind. But there are a number of other minor details, that when put together, seem to point to that person. I keep pushing away the notion, and the fear and feelings with it, because i don't want to blame anybody and don't want to deal with it. But in the meantime, i am stuck not being able to move forward in therapy because i am always getting triggered and dissociating and having emotional reactions that don't fit the present day and that i can't explain logically. It's like one minute i am calm, professional, in control, adult functioning well, and then some reminder happens -- either about SA or abandonment -- and i become either emotionally reactive or spacy/dissociative.

Can anybody shed any light on this, or have any good advice for how to move forward? Like i said, i'd like to just forget the traumas and move forward. But my subconscious mind refuses to let me do it.

Please help!

p.s. I am on 3 psychiatric meds which seem to work well, so i don't think it's a problem of needing meds. It is when i get triggered that i suddenly become like this very needy, very scared child who needs protection, but i don't know from what. . .