I am reading Pre-Object Relatedness - Early Attachment and the Psychoanalytic Situation by Ivri Kumin. Last night I skipped ahead, which I never do! So he says that if baby was upset, and mummy responded with more upset, then THAT is what forms our own ego's signal-response system, and why we don't have affect regulation, we just get MORE upset. The other bad option is signal negation (she doesn't respond at all), wherein we learn to ignore our feelings. ie we literally learn how to treat ourselves by how we were treated.

Not that crap about, we teach other others how to treat us. I mean, eventually sure we do, but to CHANGE that, I think we have to relearn how to treat ourselves, which would be to re-enter a pre-object state with T? ie lose your mind! to gain it again.

I think that's why T & I do hug. to say, this is a different way, a different place, from what used to be. the hug has always been very calculated, never felt anywhere NEAR natural until recently - and it's been about 5 years. Not saying you HAFTA hug, just noticing recently here I am glad we do.

So I guess I am asking, why do we deny ourselves the comfort, the reprogramming!, that is available from T, until it is too late? Way too late, I waited way too long. I am allowing myself some change now, but I need more, and I hit bottom so many times and so hard there are major dents in it.