Quote:
Originally Posted by hankster
You HAVE her attention, if that's what you mean by "getting to her". What does that mean to you in terms of your childhood? This is about YOUR feelings, not T's. Why are you "baiting" her? I think that's what Anne is saying - yes, you have an influence. Why do you feel you don't? I recognize this - your clients love you, your friends love, your T loves you - but love at home was conditional on your being smart? This is a hot topic for me, because my whole identity for years was wrapped up in being an 'A' student, then it just became a sick stupid joke in the family, the whole reality of it, of me, was denied. I'm still lost.
So I see a lot of the same hyperness in you that's in me, no offense! I love me! Too much, some people here might say! Hey, it's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it. It wasn't getting done at home. I remember telling one T about being surprised that a store clerk reecognized me - that's how invisible I felt.
What is your T's prognosis? You don't have to answer here, but do you talk about it, and have you made plans for if the worst happens, or if she becomes temporarily unable to work? I AM concerned that I don't know more about this, ie just that you might be in denial about it? Did I not read something you posted, or do you feel pretty secure at this point about her health? Is this what she is waiting for you to ask about? Her becoming unavailable would repeat your mother's unavailability - then what?
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Hyper...me? Never.
T's prognosis is actually good at this point. Cancer is gone, chemo is over, heart problems are still there, but she said not much can be done right now. She's pretty available.
Yes, my hubby, friends, T, and clients are positively influenced by me. I let different people inside in different ways, but I'm having a hard time with the all-consuming "let in" of T. Most other people I don't let in at all. Speaking of invisibility, my boss tells me I make myself invisible. He said most employees don't have an opinion about me one way or another because they don't know me. Why don't I realize I have a positive influence? Very low self-esteem. Yes, love hinged on performance. So I still try to work to get love. That's one reason I'm in therapy!
Why am I baiting T? Because sometimes I don't understand this relationship with this T. It's not completely one-sided. She has disclosed a LOT of information about herself, and while it has helped me open up, there's a bit of confusion on my part. She has asked me very specifically to pray for her several times in relation to several issues regarding her health. She asked me if I would fix the bracelet I made for her because she ripped a charm off of it. In fact, I emailed her this morning about the bracelet and to ask her to pray for me because I was nervous about a doctor's appointment this morning. T just replied to it in reference to the bracelet. If she cared, wouldn't she at least ask how the appointment went? Her boundaries seem a bit wonky at times. So that's why I want to know the truth.