OK-- I decided to try something finally- said ok, some what breaking down a wall with this--- i can't help to come back to the spot of being a failure with this all-- if it is all psychological why can't i beat this---

I know i know, chemical imbalance i get told- been dx with Bipolar 2 which is where that comes from along with Severe PTSD (T thinks BPD traits too which I think comes with the PTSD, but idk)

any ways- I refused right now with lithium and anti psychotics (That is what the first Pdoc wanted to put me on)... I saw this other Pdoc and they suggested Lamictal

I already read about the rash which I am aware if I start to feel funny in my throat even to call for it is a concern and maybe stop and if I start to get a rash call and stop taking it.

My concern now, and maybe it is my odd fear with meds-- (If they work and help I am a failure).... but that what if I start to take this and I start to have seizures or what if I stop and i have a seizure-- i dont have seizures now.

That scares me-- I did not think about that till I had the meds in hand after getting home.

I also fear and this before even agreeing with taking meds- that I may get worse with mys symptoms with mood swings and so on....

I know right now, it is just at this point of to acknowledge these things but not to fear them, and to try it- I have went and got the meds, I decided to give it ago- and if they work, that is good.. but there is another part of me that just has trouble dealing with that fact if they do help, another part of me not to worry and be scared of the possible or my fear, side effects.

It is says that the medicine is unknown on how it works which scares me as well, meaning I could be a test in life for this- just an odd duck that something happens.

SIGH-- Sorry just guess writting down thoughts right now-- am scared of this all... it is some thing new--- not all things new are bad I keep telling myself.. this may help me be better, feel better, and be better for the ones i love- which would be wonderful.

My boyfriend and I have talked about this---- he said for me to wait and take it tomorrow (I work nights, so i need to go to bed here soon- it is past my bed time ) but so he can be with me for a few hours after the first dose, and then we will have a few days off this coming weekend, so that is good.

i totally forgot all about christmas and suggested maybe to start to take it over the weekend, sigh- don't think that is a good idea.

Another thing is that I saw my T yesterday, I talked to Pdoc today but I did not tell Pdoc what occured after seeing my T--- basically just more stress that deals with my brother which i take too to heart in ways...

just so much going on right now too- i just got done with a very stressful week last week, this week is stressful too and the damn holiday and my brother.... and now I am like take a new med- what a great time to do this..

God - sorry-- I am not sure if this is the right place for this even though it touches basis with medicine it is like all over the place with emotions, psychotherapy and just issues---

eek=

well thanks for letting me post here-- i guess maybe. idk what i am looking for---

just my thoughts right now

Be well all