But of course. All of us have rejections or negative reactions from others. Doesn't change the basic fact that we have positive influence on people, for the most part. And it probably doesn't change the basic fact that for those of us with certain histories, the fear of a negative reaction or a rejection is omnipresent, despite many years of a sense of positive influence on many more people than the past negatives. What are the cliches that people say about this-- waiting for the other shoe to drop, etc?

My T referred to me last week as "successful" and "powerful". I couldn't even tell you in what context he said those things, as I was too freaked out by the words to pay attention to anything else.

I do have a sense of myself as being influential-- I meet young people who are interested in my field-- and they want to be like me. The young lawyers I mentor talk about me to other people in very favorable ways. I have and continue to participate in varied sorts of social and community groups and events and I see how people listen to me when I talk, and even seem to want to be around me. I have had my share of negative rejections, difficult relationships, and negative rumor-mongering, though.

But being influential makes me afraid, too. Afraid that I can use my powers for evil rather than good (grinning when I say this, but completely serious). Afraid of the responsibility for misguiding people or unintentionally hurting people. Just afraid that unspecified bad things might follow my ability to influence people.

And at some level this is really silly. Being good at my job requires me to be influential. I truly do enjoy seeing one of my mentorees go from being scared and critical about herself to being confident and secure. Being influential is part of how I feel connected to other people, especially when I see how my own openness and mindfulness increases my influentialness.

I suppose that allowing yourself to see your influence over others also heightens the experience of feeling rejected. With my T, I can't really imagine him rejecting me-- as in, it seems like he is paid not to reject me. To influence him seems like duh, of course, that's just a by-product of good therapy or a put-together person who realizes that he can learn something from everybody. It's really the people outside T that I fear rejection from.
Just musing,
Anne