Ake, Thanks so much for your post. I feel I can really relate to the "identity in question." I've been in therapy off and on for 15 years--at first for eating disorders, depression, and self-mutilation. For about the first 10 years all of my answers to questions were some form of "I'm stupid" or "I don't know why I did that...I'm just stupid." I had a very deep self-hatred and also felt like I didn't know who I was or what I liked. When I finally started to consider that some things that had happened in my past weren't my fault and began to realize what a controlling effect those things had upon me I feel like I finally started to heal a bit. After moving away from (physically...going to live in another part of the country) an area with a lot of triggers I started to feel even better. It has been painful to sort through at times, and I've often avoided thinking about it. However, when I look back at my life and see all the self-destructiveness, implosions, and places I've prevented myself from doing anything good for myself it makes me sad to think that I've let the past continue to have so much control over me. I'm tired of leaving jobs, leaving friendships, and not finishing school. I know some part of me has more to offer the world, I hope.

I'm now at the place where I really want to get better and have a life. I've started taking medication consistently to help with depression. It may seem weird, but I feel it has really helped me separate "me" from what I thought was "me" (the second "me" being all the things that were beat into my head as a child). It has been good, but somewhat scary and draining to try and figure out what I really think and feel and not let my abusers continue to have that control. I am determined, though, and want to work through things. I don't know how long it will take or if it will even work--but I'm working on it.

Sorry this isn't really much of a response to anything or any type of a question. I just identified with your post--which sucks in a way because I know that things can't be particularly easy for you, then. Keep working at it. I think you'll find you like the you that is discovered in the process.