I have a father ( i,m 41 now - yesterday actually) who was a very good provider for his family so took his responsibilities very seriously as far as that is concerned. However, he never was - still isn,t - interested in getting to know any of his children. He had 3, of which i,m the oldest. my mum swung from babying to over critical and appeared to be in a constant mood all through my childhood and adulthood.
I moved away from them the first chance that arose and never intended to go home again. I had a daughter 12 years ago to a cold selfish man who didnt really want to be with me. After almost 5 years of hell, self harm and an overdose i split from him and tried to get on with my life - my daughter was only 18 months.
My mum persuaded me to move close home so that she could help with my daughter 6 years ago so i moved in with them in order to save some money for a house.
Within the first week i felt as bad as i ever had when i lived there. My very presence seemed to annoy my mum and she criticised me at every opportunity. When it all boiled over - we rowed and my dad took her side - i had to leave and take my daughterinto homeless accomodation. Almost 2-3 days after it happened i had to give up my new job as they refused to watch my daughter after school to allow me to work , knowing full well i would then be unemployed. the whole point of moving nearer home was for them to help and i ended up unable to work. Within the first week in our bed and breakfast my mum had turned up at the door asking to speak to me trying to smooth things over but i was too angry - she told everyone that i was making her ill.
I did speak to them within a few months but i have never got over it. They watched my daughter when i did night shift etc. but i still have no relationship with them. My mum shows an interest in my daughter life but still treats me with disdain - she is uncomfortable around me. My dad has never attended anything to do with my daughter and has little or no interest in any of us. I accepted that this was his way and didnt think about it much anymore until the weekend when he happily went to my niece's nativity show. My daughter was so hurt and it has opened old wounds for me. I generally manage to be around them by never looking for anything emotional. I mentioned to my mum that my daughter was hurt at her grandfather and she immediately defended him. We ened up rowing and i walked out on my own birthday lunch. I cant seem to grow out of this hurt little girl who feels her parents dont care. I could tell you lots of things that have happened but i think its better to summarise by saying that i feel stuck with this feeling of rejection. i cant seem to move on in my life. Inside is all these hurt feelings that cant get out as i,m not allowed to discuss them with my parents - they blame me for all the rows. I feel so desperately sad a lot of the time. I have very little else in my life as i,ve let my friends go, avoided relationships and just focussed on bringing up my daughter. Sorry to be so self pitying but i cant seem to shake it off.