Yea, it's the pdoc. I thought someone was just being dramatic back in March about his lack of support in treating Childhood sexual abuse, but they weren't. He really doesn't support it.

After being taken in an office with my entire team. I was so anxious I nearly passed out while walking there. It was sprang on me. He takes me in his office and he says

"What if you didn't recover the memories".

"What do you mean?"

"What if you didn't recover them".

"You mean just stayed like I am now?"

"Yes".

"But that's not working for me. I am always distressed. I am constantly suicidal".

"But it seems to be distressing you more to talk about them".

"It gets worse before it gets better, that's why I asked for what I did". ( at trauma specific inpatient to help keep me safe during the initial trauma work)

"Did you ever question if the memories weren't real?"

"You mean that they never happened?"

"yes"

"All the time, I think about that ALL the time".

"So how can you be sure they are real?"

"I don't know".

No wonder denial exists. I mean com'n? He obviously is my main hurdle in trying to recover. He wants me to get better, but he's constantly second guessing everything I tell him. STOP trying to look for what I'm not saying and listen to what I am.

I am so distressed right now that I am willing to use sick attention getting mechanisms, just to make people see how much pain I'm in. I haven't done that for years. That's not cool. Or okay. I should feel like I'm being heard, so I don't lean towards that sorts of stuff. (not that it's their fault, but I just know when I attention seek, it means I'm not being heard efficiently).