Thanks for all the feedback on my last thread! Sometimes I need people to call me out on my BS...it's one of the reasons I'm here! So you all helped me to figure out what is actually going on in my head related to T and my confusion about my relationship with her and what I see as her occasionally flexible boundaries.

Your help and two other things I came across this evening has made me feel so much better. One thing I don't apologize for on this forum is the fact that I am a Christian, but I don't proselytize and I respect the beliefs of others. What helped me are both from a Christian perspective; one logical, one more related to faith.

The first was a couple of articles related to boundaries (therapeutic and otherwise). To paraphrase: Boundaries are sometimes perceived as selfish, but they actually about responsible freedom; from controlling relationships, from guilt-driven faith, from actions motivated by fear and anger instead of love, and from the inability to gain control over our behaviors/addictions. These represent many of the issues we are all in therapy to heal. I realize good boundaries are key to a therapeutic relationship. Within those boundaries, T and I are each free to love each other in our own way without imposing expectations on the other besides the obvious inherent therapy goals. We may each want things of the other (I want her to be my mom, she wants me to heal), but neither should push the other. However, each of us has pushed each other lately, but I no longer feel it is something that cannot be overcome once discussed.

The second was my devotional reading for today. I usually read in the morning, but I decided to get ahead of the game since I'm up late. This is something you may or may not agree with depending on your beliefs, but it is rather astonishing to me that this was the entry for today considering where I'm at emotionally right now: "My plan for your life is unfolding before you. Sometimes the road you are travelling seems blocked, or it opens up so painfully slowly that you must hold yourself back. Then when the time is right, the way before you suddenly clears through no effort of your own. What you have longed for and worked for I present to you freely, as pure gift. You feel awed by the ease with which I operate in the world, and you glimpse my power and glory. Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which my power and glory perform most brilliantly. As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on my strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles and you will." - from "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.

It mentions roads...which parallels part of the poem I gave T last week. Here's an excerpt:

At those times when light turns into darkness
And I get lost and veer off the pathway of life,
Someone always comes along serendipitously
To set me back on the road and light the way.

They may walk alongside me for just a season,
Or they might be with me for the rest of my life.
But each will always hold a piece of my heart;
An angel using a human body as a disguise.

Now you walk ahead of me on that scary path
Turning back to me and holding out your hand.
You want me to take it and believe you and Him,
Waiting so patiently for me to trust and follow.

It all seems rather serendipitous to me...and that is unusual for the normally logical girl I am! I am going to be all right.

I truly appreciate any and all feedback, positive and negative! It's nice to be here in a safe place with so many caring people.

I'm going to continue with my original plan to explore the questions in my "changed my mind" thread and if there is enough time, discuss some past stuff I need to process. I'll post about my session this evening.